I’ve always flinched a little when someone says, “You don’t owe anyone anything.” I get what they’re trying to say. It usually comes from a place of self-preservation, boundaries, and not letting people walk all over you. And honestly, those are important lessons, especially for people who’ve spent too long giving too much of themselves away.
But taken at face value, that statement feels incomplete. Because while it’s true that you don’t owe anyone your time, your energy, your success, your emotional labor, or access to your life… it’s also true that we do owe each other something. Not everything. Just the bare minimum.
Basic human kindness. And respect.
Somewhere along the way, those two things started feeling optional. Like bonuses you give out only when someone “deserves” them. As if kindness has to be earned and respect is conditional on agreement, status, productivity, or convenience. And that’s where things get messy.
Kindness isn’t the same as self-sacrifice. Respect isn’t the same as obedience. You can say no and still be kind. You can set boundaries and still be respectful. You can disagree strongly and still treat the other person like a human being. These things are not mutually exclusive, even though the internet and modern discourse often make it seem that way.
We live in a time where being blunt is praised, but being cruel is often disguised as “just being honest.” Where dismissiveness is confused with confidence. Where empathy is sometimes framed as weakness. It’s easier to fire off a sharp comment, roll your eyes, or reduce someone to a label than it is to pause and remember there’s a full, complicated person on the other side.
And no, you don’t owe strangers deep emotional investment. You don’t owe explanations to everyone. You don’t owe people access to your inner world. But you do owe them the dignity of not demeaning them. Of not dehumanizing them. Of not treating them as disposable just because they momentarily inconvenience you or don’t align with your worldview.
Basic kindness looks surprisingly simple. It’s listening without planning your comeback. It’s not humiliating someone to feel superior. It’s choosing not to escalate when you could. It’s recognizing that you have no idea what someone else is carrying into the room with them that day.
Respect is just as quiet. It’s letting people exist without trying to control them. It’s disagreeing without contempt. It’s acknowledging someone’s humanity even when you don’t like their choices, opinions, or personality. Respect doesn’t mean endorsement. It means restraint.
What’s interesting is how quickly the “you don’t owe anyone anything” mindset can turn inward too. If I don’t owe you kindness, you don’t owe me kindness. If I don’t owe you respect, you don’t owe me respect. And suddenly we’re all operating at the lowest possible standard, wondering why everything feels so harsh and transactional.
Society doesn’t fracture because people set boundaries. It fractures when people stop caring how their actions land on others. When civility is treated as performative. When decency is seen as optional instead of foundational.
There’s also a quiet confidence in choosing kindness. It says, “I’m secure enough not to make this about winning.” There’s strength in respect. It says, “I don’t need to diminish you to stand tall.” These aren’t soft traits. They’re disciplined ones.
You can protect your peace without becoming indifferent to others. You can prioritize yourself without trampling people on the way. You can be firm, clear, and grounded while still being humane. In fact, those combinations tend to age better than bravado ever does.
At the end of the day, the world doesn’t need more people insisting they owe nothing to anyone. It needs more people willing to meet each other at least at the baseline. Not with perfection. Not with endless patience. Just with the understanding that everyone is more than a moment, a mistake, or a disagreement.
We don’t owe each other everything.
But we do owe each other the bare minimum.
And honestly, if we all held that line just a little more consistently, things would feel a lot less heavy than they do right now.
Kenrick Vaz 