Don’t Ass-U-Me Anything!

When I was in school, my uncle Joe shared this old saying with me: to “assume” makes an “ass out of you and me”. This play on the word assume definitely makes a lot of sense. When there is a problem, if we dig down under the layers of misunderstandings, there usually lies a big mess of assumptions and erroneous beliefs. Lack of clarity and understanding can mean we barge straight into situations and conversations that are driven by sketchy information at best.

Basing our assumptions about a situation on little bites of information can lead to firmly held and potentially damaging beliefs. Assuming we’ve got it right, that we know what people mean and that their perspective must be the same as our’s are all recipe for disaster. 

Ladder of Reference

Professor Chris Argyris (1923 – 2013) former Professor at Harvard Business School and Yale University identifies how humans come to their beliefs via assumptions in his model The Ladder of Inference.

The Ladder journey travels like this:
– I OBSERVE data (see hear feel)
– I SELECT data from what I observe
– I add MEANING (cultural, personal, cognitive)
– I make ASSUMPTIONS based on my meanings
– I draw CONCLUSIONS
– I adopt BELIEFS about the world
– I BEHAVE accordingly

This ladder often occurs in the blink of an eye. It is also something that drives our behaviour throughout the day. Imagine heading out to work in the morning. You step outside and observe the grey clouds, that it is June and so draw a very quick conclusion that grabbing your umbrella would be a wise decision – and behave accordingly.

This ladder can also lead us to fixed beliefs that mean we can get caught in what Argyris calls ‘The Reflexive Loop’, which we means we can ONLY seek the data that confirms our belief.

TIPS FOR TESTING ASSUMPTIONS

1. STOP!
Identify where assumptions and fixed beliefs might be having a negative impact on your work.
Knowing when a lack of information or data might be driving either a confirmation bias or simply a critical gap in understanding is the first step to being able to address the issue. Heightening awareness of beliefs that may be fixed before you have explored what lies beneath, or you’ve simply held that believe for a long time without question allows us to open up thinking.

2. THINK WELL!
Assume positive intent first ( ie. mistake rather than malice; positive intent rather than harm; lack of clarity rather than withholding information) Most assumptions arise simply by not having the right conversations, rather than being driven by any machiavellian agenda. It primes our conversations for trust if we test our assumptions rather than believing them to be truth.

3. ASK!
Simply asking clarifying questions that can lead to a deeper understanding.
Authentic dialogue is always the best antidote for major assumptions or beliefs that are railroading progress or certainty. Be curious about finding out more about what people are thinking and feeling.

Worry Less, Live More

The one thing we all do when we’re so caught up in our heads is that we create a reality that hasn’t or will never come into being! You talk to yourself in your brain and convince yourself of the certainty that the thing you’re anticipating will be a particular way.

Oh, he’s going to be so hard to deal with. It’s going to be a pain to get there. Traffic will be terrible. What if they hate what I’m wearing. My hair isn’t going to be the same length by then. I’ve put on weight since I saw them last — they’re going to say something.

You create an infinite amount of imagined futures, only one of which can ever actually eventuate.

When you live in your head like this, two things happen:

  1. You build up stress hormones in your body, like cortisol, compounding until the event itself takes place. More cortisol leads to more stress, more bad health, more tension, bad digestion, inflammation, and a litany of other ailments.
  2. You rob yourself of living in the moment, being present and enjoying what you have now. You can’t control the future. Worrying about it does nothing to change it.

It isn’t unusual. We all do it. We catastrophize a future that we fear for one reason or another. We blow it out of proportion… and guess what?
9 times out of 10, you’re wrong. The future you anticipated doesn’t happen. All of your worrying was for nothing. But you’ll never get that time back.

So worry less, live more!

Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. 

Benjamin Franklin

Aimless Wandering

One of the key reasons I was trapped into aimless wandering for sometime was because I kept listening to what everyone around me was saying. That was when I came across this quote by Winston Churchill

“You will never reach your destination
if you stop and throw stones
at every dog that barks.”

During our journey brings us many ‘barking dogs’ to deal with. If we allow them to scare us, distract us, or bite us, they may easily prevent us from reaching our destination.

Here are some points adapted from Inner Leadership which contains several tools that can help to keep us focused and on track:

  • Staying calm in a crisis and connecting with what matters most, because keeping a clear head is important
  • Making clear sense of our situation, because clear understanding leads to good choices
  • Knowing which dogs matter (and which do not) and deciding how we will behave when we meet them, because some issues need to be engaged with, actively, and in a way that works for you
  • Realising that there are five basic strategies you can employ for dealing with the dogs you choose to engage with (and five other strategies that can also be useful)
  • Being clear about your destination, because then you can get back on track quicker
  • Choosing the best way forward for you now, because you have to start from where you are now
  • Creating a vision that will inspire you when barking dogs are all around, because inspiration is what will get us through this time of change

We will never reach our destinations if we stop and throw stones at every dog that barks. So it is useful to plan out our strategies and tactics in advance.

Do you know which dogs to ignore, which ones to pay attention to, and how best to handle them?

Everything is in His Hands

Life is not predictable. There are ups and downs along the way. Many of us want to trust God. When times are good, it can feel easier. But when times feel difficult, it is even more important to trust God. God’s unchanging character can give us a firm foundation when things feel unsteady and uncertain.

Life can be going along smoothly for a season. Your job is satisfying. Your friends and family are enjoyable. Your goals, finances, health and outlook seem bright. Then, all of a sudden, life throws a curveball. Someone you know gets sick. You lose your job. A friend or family member betrays you. The things you felt secure in all of a sudden feel shaky and uncertain.

How do you trust that God is good in these circumstances? How do you trust Him when you do not understand what is happening? When you cannot see a resolution? These are valid questions, and God wants to help you navigate them.

This wonderful story helped me and I am sure it will help you too

A MAN JUST GOT MARRIED AND WAS RETURNING HOME WITH HIS WIFE. THEY WERE CROSSING A LAKE IN A BOAT, WHEN SUDDENLY A GREAT STORM AROSE. THE MAN WAS A WARRIOR, BUT THE WOMAN BECAME VERY MUCH AFRAID BECAUSE IT SEEMED ALMOST HOPELESS:
THE BOAT WAS SMALL AND THE STORM WAS REALLY HUGE, AND ANY MOMENT THEY WERE GOING TO BE DROWNED. BUT THE MAN SAT SILENTLY, CALM AND QUIET, AS IF NOTHING WAS HAPPENING.

THE WOMAN WAS TREMBLING AND SHE SAID, “ARE YOU NOT AFRAID ?”. THIS MAY BE OUR LAST MOMENT OF LIFE! IT DOESN’T SEEM THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO REACH THE OTHER SHORE. ONLY SOME MIRACLE CAN SAVE US; OTHERWISE DEATH IS CERTAIN. ARE YOU NOT AFRAID? ARE YOU MAD OR SOMETHING? ARE YOU A STONE OR SOMETHING?
THE MAN LAUGHED AND TOOK THE SWORD OUT OF ITS SHEATH. THE WOMAN WAS EVEN MORE PUZZLED: WHAT HE WAS DOING? THEN HE BROUGHT THE NAKED SWORD CLOSE TO THE WOMAN’S NECK, SO CLOSE THAT JUST A SMALL GAP WAS THERE, IT WAS ALMOST TOUCHING HER NECK.
HE SAID,” ARE YOU AFRAID ?”
SHE STARTED TO LAUGH AND SAID,” WHY SHOULD I BE AFRAID ?,IF THE SWORD IS IN YOUR HANDS, WHY I SHOULD BE AFRAID? I KNOW YOU LOVE ME.
” HE PUT THE SWORD BACK AND SAID, THIS IS MY ANSWER”. I KNOW GOD LOVES ME, AND THE STORM IS IN HIS HANDS

Put your glass down

A professor entered his classroom with a glass of water. He raised  the glass of water. everyone in the room expected the: “half empty or half full” question. Instead, to everyone’s surprise, the professor smiled and inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”.

The answers called out for the range from 8 Oz to 15 Oz.

“I need to weigh it to know how much exactly it weighs. But the question, I really want you to answer is – what if I held the glass up  for a minute?”, asked the professor.

“Nothing” the students answered unanimously.

“But what if I hold it for an hour?” asked the professor.

“Your arms will start aching “ , answered one of the students.

“You are right!, But what if I held it up for a whole day?”, queried the professor.

“Your arms will feel numb, your muscles get stressed and it may even get paralyzed” ventured an another student .

“You are right!”, exclaimed the professor. “ So what should I do to avoid the pain “ asked the professor.

“Keep the glass down”, answered a student.

“Exactly!” said the professor. He continued “In all the case the weight of the glass remains the same. But, longer I held it up, heavier it becomes. The stress and worries in life are like the glass of water. If you think about them for a while, nothing happens. Think about them for longer, they will start hurting. Think about them for even longer, you will feel stress and be paralyzed  ”

It is important to think about the problems in the life. But, you should not carry the stress long enough that it begins to ache and paralyze your life. It is important to let go of your stresses. Don’t carry your stress all day and always remember to put the glass down before you go to bed!

Hope

I came across the lovely poem sometime back which touched me deeply. Today’s quote reminded me of these lovely words

Darkness gathers around my being 
Filling me with dread 
The only voices to be heard 
Are the ones inside my head 

I cannot see what’s straight ahead 
I cannot hear them call 
Pure blackness overwhelms me 
I must stop me from this fall 

Slowly I manage a stumble 
I must leave this tunnel behind 
I need to escape this darkness 
I have to clear my mind 

Ignoring the voices in my head 
They start to scream and shout 
I will not surrender 
I know I must get out 

Faster now I pick up pace 
My walk becomes a run 
Something in the distance shines 
Have I finally found the sun? 

The end of the tunnel approaches 
I have made it at last 
I tried so hard to reach it 
And leave the darkness in the past 

As my eyes adjust to this new light 
I stand in complete awe 
People still surround me 
Why hadn’t I noticed that before? 

The world is lit so brightly 
For the sun is shining down 
Light makes such a difference 
A smile replaces my frown 

I do not move 
I watch and listen 
With this new found light 
Things start to glisten 

Day turns to night 
Yet I am still here 
The sun slowly sets 
But there is no longer the fear 

Out comes the moon 
A bright light fills the night sky 
Millions of stars twinkle 
Shining down from up high 

The truth is that darkness 
Can blind one and all 
We must all look for the light 
No matter how small 

I have discovered my own light 
Deep down inside 
I can see, I can hear 
No longer must I hide 

Light is around us 
Wherever we may be 
Its just not always obvious 
Not always there to see 

There is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel
At the end of the tunnel it is bright
Don’t sit and suffer in darkness
Speak out and reach for the light 

Good Luck, Bad Luck, Who Knows?

An elderly, hard-working Chinese farmer and his son, had a single horse. They used the horse to plow the field, to sow the seeds, grow the crop, and transport it to the market. The horse was essential for the farmer to earn his livelihood.

One morning, the horse broke the fence and ran away into the woods. When the neighbors found out that the only horse the farmer had, had run away, they came to solace him. They said – “Your only horse has run away just before the planting season. How will you till the land? How will you sow the seeds? This is unfortunate. This is bad luck.”

The farmer replied – “Good luck bad luck. Who knows?”  The wise farmer was unwilling to label this incident good luck or bad luck.

A few days later the farmer’s horse returned from the woods along with two other wild horses. When the neighbors found out the news, they said – ” Now you have three horses! You can till the land much faster with three horses. Maybe you can buy more land and sow more crop and make more money. Or you can sell the other two horses. Either way, you will be a rich man! This is good luck! “

The farmer replied – “Good luck bad luck. Who knows?” Again the wise farmer was unwilling to label this incident good luck or bad luck.

Next morning, the farmer’s son started training the wild horses to that they would help till the land. While attempting to mount one of the wild horses, he fell down and broke his leg. Just before the sowing season, the son would not be able to help the farmer with his broken leg. The neighbors came once again and commented – ” This is really unfortunate. This is bad luck.”

The wise farmer repeated – “Good luck, bad luck. Who knows?”

The wise farmer still was unwilling to label this incident good luck or bad luck.

A few days later, the king’s men started to visit each village in the kingdom. A war had started between their kingdom and a neighboring enemy state. The king’s men were enlisting the eldest son from each family to join the army so that they could defeat the enemy state. When they came to the farmer’s house they saw the son with the broken leg. He would not be of much use in the army and hence they didn’t take him. He was the only eldest son in the entire village who was not forcibly taken by the king’s men to fight the war. The neighbors, some of them with teary eyes, came once again to the farmer and commented – “Your son breaking his leg was really fortunate. He is the only one who was not taken. What a stroke of good luck.“

The farmer calmly replied – “Good luck, bad luck. Who knows?” Again, the wise farmer was unwilling to label it as either good luck or bad luck.

Have you had similar experiences in your own life? What you thought was a setback turned out to be a blessing? And what you thought was unfortunate turned out to be beneficial? However, in the interim, we go through an emotional roller-coaster of happiness and sadness based on how we label the incident!

As the quote says, a body in positive motion tends to stay in positive emotion!

Appreciating What You Have

This image takes me back to my first visit to a Jesuit mission station, a village in the Palghar district of Maharashtra. The villagers had to walk a long distances in the hot sun to get essential supplies. We live in a world of instant gratification where we place an order on our phones and we have whatever we want coming to our doorstep within 30-45 minutes. Most of the time, we fail to appreciate the luxuries we have. Instead, we keep looking for more, comparing what we have with others.

So many of us live in a perpetual state of wanting more—more money, more shiny new gadgets, more things. And we chase those material possessions with more gusto than we pursue what’s been empirically shown to increase happiness: more gratitude, more experiences, and more time.

Here are some ways to start learning to appreciate what you have and stop wanting more:

  1. Appreciate What You Have by Practicing Gratitude
    People who are grateful are happier, less depressed and less stressed. Start by thanking someone daily, You can send a short whatsapp message, a message, an email, a phone call.
  2. Get to Know Someone Who Doesn’t Have What You Have
    Interacting with the less fortunate has definitely helped me be grateful for everything I have today. Connecting with people different from us broadens our compassion and awareness and deepens our sense of community—and when we get to know people who don’t have the things we take for granted, it gives us an even deeper appreciation for what we do have.
  3. Appreciate What You Have by Giving More
    The next time you’re about to splurge on a new item for yourself, think about spending it on a loved one—or to charity. More than money, giving your time is much more valuable. I am blessed with the opportunity to mentor Shree through my current organisation’s phone mentoring initiative. Below is what I had shared with the team after the first few weeks.

Asking the Right Questions

There are some of us who keep asking questions about anything and everything. We may call them skeptics, doubting Thomases etc. Life is full of questions, it’s almost as if the more questions we have, the less answers there are. The fact that we have questions is a good thing though, because it means we are invested in this life that we are living. Without people questioning we wouldn’t be where we are today. Legends of history, would just be another face in a sea of people if it weren’t for them questioning and pushing the boundaries.

Here’s why asking questions is important:

  • It helps you uncover the challenges you’re facing and generate better solutions to solve those problems. We’re all spending too much time and energy solving the first iteration of a challenge with the first idea we have. That’s both limiting and counterproductive.
  • It’s how you increase the capacity and potential in those you lead. A good question can create an “aha” moment, which can then lead to innovation and growth.
  • It keeps you in learning mode rather than judgment mode. If you’re asking a question, you’re not rushing in to provide the answer, give the solution, or take on the challenge. It’s a good self-management tool to keep you focused on the bigger picture, and as a leader/manager, that’s your responsibility to your team and to the organization.

Asking the right questions creates happiness. 

We all know how peace and harmony feels, but not many of us take a minute to understand what causes these feelings. When we entertain this deep question, we start understanding how to feel at peace more often. We realize we are the creators of our feelings; they don’t just happen to us.

Start by asking yourself simple but deep questions:

What does happiness mean to me?
Is it possible to have a big problem and to feel good at the same time?
Do I do something every day to reach my dream?

Then start asking yourself more difficult questions:

What is the most important thing for me in life?
How can I work toward achieving that?

The more times we ask ourselves important questions, the easier it gets to accept ourselves and to take charge in changing our lives for the better.

Shine in your own way

A samurai who was known for his nobility and honesty, went to visit a monk to ask him for his advice. When the monk had finished his prayers, the Samurai asked, “Why do I feel so inferior? I have faced death many times, have defended those who are weak. Nevertheless, upon seeing you meditating, I felt that my life had absolutely no importance whatsoever.”

“Wait. Once I have attended to all those who come to see me today, I shall answer you.” – replied the monk.

The samurai spent the whole day sitting in the temple gardens, watching the people go in and out in search of advice. He saw how the monk received them all with the same patience and the same illuminated smile on his face.

At nightfall, when everyone had gone, he demanded: “Now can you teach me?”

The master invited him in and led him to his room. The full moon shone in the sky, and the atmosphere was one of profound tranquility.

“Do you see the moon, how beautiful it is? It will cross the entire firmament, and tomorrow the sun will shine once again.”

“But sunlight is much brighter, and can show the details of the landscape around us: trees, mountains, clouds.”

“I have contemplated the two for years, and have never heard the moon say: why do I not shine like the sun? Is it because I am inferior?”

“Of course not.” – answered the samurai. “The moon and the sun are different things; each has its own beauty. You cannot compare the two.”

“So you know the answer. We are two different people, each fighting in his own way for that which he believes, and making it possible to make the world a better place; the rest are mere appearances.”