What are you watering?

Your mind is like a piece of land planted with many different kinds of seeds: seeds of joy, peace, mindfulness, understanding, and love; seeds of craving, anger, fear, hate, and forgetfulness. These wholesome and unwholesome seeds are always there, sleeping in the soil of your mind. The quality of your life depends on the seeds you water.

If you plant tomato seeds in your gardens, tomatoes will grow. Just so, if you water a seed of peace in your mind, peace will grow. When the seeds of happiness in you are watered, you will become happy. When the seed of anger in you is watered, you will become angry. The seeds that are watered frequently are those that will grow strong.

Thinking about your thoughts might seem like a double bind. We have thoughts… all day long, up to 70,000 of them. How much time do you spend thinking about your thoughts? Do you just let them happen to you or are you deliberate in what you think?

The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature.
Marcus Aurelias

When we inquire as to what people want, eventually the answer is ‘to be happy’. Therefore, if we believe that our happiness of our life does depend on the quality of our thoughts… then we do need as the Emperor says: ‘To guard accordingly’. Let’s state that in the positive though. Instead of a defensive guarding, let’s get on the front foot and take an active role in observing and then choosing our thoughts.

Our thoughts are worth examining for clues and patterns but not endlessly. Removing interference in our thought patterns brings clarity and focus. Our thoughts aren’t wrong per se they are just thoughts. It’s the meaning that we attach to them that then drives our responses and our actions. When your response and action is not what you want e.g. you feel unhappy or your response is frustration or anger it’s helpful to observe your thoughts. Thoughts come and go. The more aware we are of them the better. We just don’t need to act on every one of them.

When you review the key areas of your life such as work, relationships, health, wealth, and appearance what are your thoughts about each. Are your thoughts of a high quality or could they do with an upgrade? How would you rate the quality of your thoughts? What would you like them to be? Can you just let the thoughts that you don’t need, just float away?

Such a simple declaration about the relationship between our happiness and thoughts has us thinking deeply. We can observe the thoughts that we are having and then choose again if we need to. Making a commitment to choose thoughts that are of a good quality is essential if you want to be happy. Be discerning about the quality of thoughts you let run through your precious mind every day. No-one else is responsible for our happiness. Only ourselves and our thoughts.

The key to happiness is to think about all that you must be grateful for in your life. So, lastly, I want to convey that “Have a positive thought in your mind and create a blessed and happy life for yourself”.

What’s going on with your thinking? Let me know in the comments box below. I would love to hear from you.

The Secret to Really Believing in Yourself

Believing in yourself means having faith in your own capabilities. It means believing that you CAN do something — that it is within your ability. When you believe in yourself, you can overcome self-doubt and have the confidence to take action and get things done.

When you’re drowning in fears, doubts, and self-sabotaging behaviors, success feels out of your grasp. All of the skills, training, and tools in the world won’t change your life.

The mindset that psychologists call “self-efficacy” is something you can build with practice. Self-efficacy is related to the idea of confidence, but it’s not just being cocky for no reason. It’s also related to determination and, a bit more distantly, to discipline and motivation.

When you have high self-efficacy, you believe that you can do the thing. Whatever that thing may be. Maybe you’re just getting started on a long journey, but you know you’ll make it to the end. You see the obstacles in your path as speed bumps, not barriers. If you run into a problem, you’ll find a way to solve it. You just know you will.

These beliefs aren’t something you’re born with or something you get from luck or miracles. You build them over time, with practice and experience.

Here are some of the ways that psychologists say we can build self-efficacy:

Congratulate yourself for small wins

Past successes are fuel for future success. This applies to tiny things like habits: if you managed to make it to the gym once, it’s a lot easier to show up on day two.

It also applies to bigger projects. If you did a beginner running program and “graduated” by running a five-kilometer race, that’s huge. You learned that you can follow a program. You learned that you can run farther than you ever thought you could. You learned what it feels like to go out for a run when you’re tired, but finish anyway. You learned what that finish-line glow of accomplishment really feels like. And you can harness all of that, all over again, when you start working on a new goal.

Another thing I like to do, especially when I haven’t seen success in something lately, is to look for things I can be proud of in the process. I didn’t lift the 140 pound log at my last strongman meet, but I hit 127 pounds in training, which is a hell of a lot more than I could do when I started.

Watch people doing the thing you want to do

The second-best thing to reflecting your own past experiences is to vicariously experience others’ success. You’ll want to choose your role models carefully; pay attention to who really inspires you.

For some people, looking up to a world-class athlete can inspire them in the gym. For others, it can be helpful to look at somebody who is closer to you in skill level or experience. When your friend hits a new personal record, you’ll cheer for them, right? Even though you weren’t the person actually performing, you’ve still experienced a taste the whole rollercoaster of emotions from being nervous at the attempt to celebrating the success.

Seek out people who encourage you

Believing in yourself doesn’t have to be a solo project. Just as you can cheer on a gym buddy, your buddy can cheer you on as well. Also, make an effort to seek out instructors, coaches, and mentors who make you feel unstoppable. If somebody you trust thinks that you can do something, you’ll start to believe it too.

Visualize success (and failure)

When you’re trying to stay on a path, it helps to know where that path leads. What will it look like to make it to your goal? How will you feel when you cross that finish line, when you lift that goal weight, when you’ve been eating vegetables with your meals for a whole year?

While you’re at it—if you’re ready for this—also imagine scenarios where you’re trying to do the thing and you momentarily can’t. How will you feel if you get injured, if a vacation knocks you off track, or if your gym buddy stops being able to come with you? Your plan is big enough to survive these obstacles, but it will help to think them through ahead of time and plan out how you will handle them. Then, when the time comes, you won’t hesitate to execute your plan.

The power of believing you can improve

The magic happens by simply believing it’s possible. Your belief in possibility is necessary to the work, the experimentation, and the consistency needed to change your life.

This belief in possibility is what provided rock stars with the single-minded intensity to get on stage every night, in the face of ridiculous odds.

It’s what gave famous authors the tenacity to keep writing and editing after countless rejected manuscripts.

It’s what kept star athletes training, through pain, injury, and loss, until they made it to the top.

Now you have some tools to start believing in yourself. Work on these steps consistently, and you will begin to see amazing things happening in your life.

Why “Doing Your Best” is a Better Bet than “Being The Best”

No matter what you’re trying to accomplish, with thousands of other people trying to do the same thing, it surely helps to be driven. After all, most of the greatest entrepreneurs, politicians, scientists, and artists were perpetually striving to beat their personal best or challenge the status quo. Yet being driven to succeed should not be confused with the kind of competitive ambition that can consume you. So, do you need to be competitive with others, and what is the essential difference between “being the best” and “doing your best”?

Let’s start by finding out where you are on the spectrum of ambition. Are you someone with a driving need to:

Win arguments
Exceed other people’s standards and expectations
Out-perform others
Innovate for the sake of being ahead
Be the best

Beat your own personal bests
Push yourself to master new skills
Do the very best at what you do
Rely on your own drive to be better

If you answered mostly A, you’re more competitive with others, put yourself first and are therefore less suited to collaboration. You’re in the zone of being the best. Because you’re often distracted by who’s in front and who’s behind and because let’s face it, it’s hard to know whether you ever really are “the best,” it’s likely you feel disappointed and stressed out.

Whenever my competitiveness surfaces, I feel tense and anxious in the pit of my stomach. My heart beat accelerates and my breathing becomes faster and shallower.

If you answered mostly B, your ambition is of the kind favored by corporations. You may be driven, but you’re still able to collaborate usefuly. You’re more about doing your best. Because, instead of competing with other people you are setting your own benchmarks for success, it’s likely that you feel more relaxed and in control.

When I’m simply doing my best, I feel excited rather than anxious. There is no tension in my body and I feel present and at ease. My heartbeat and breathing are normal, because I’m not in a race.

Here are six questions to help you with the distinction of doing your best:

Do you Accept Your Own Ambition?

You may judge all ambition in yourself and others as being ugly. However, if you find yourself feeling irritated or even jealous when other people display signs of being driven, this could be a signal that you haven’t yet accepted your own ambitious streak.

Are you choosing what you want to be driven towards?

It’s tiring to have ambitions in every arena. Pick what you care about most and focus on that.

Do you compete with others all the time or only when it serves you?

Comparing yourself with others can support you to distinguish your skills and the unique value you can add. But, your biggest competitor should always be yourself.

Have you got enough ambitious people around you?

Befriending and learning from role models and mentors who are smarter and more successful than you will help expand your sense of possibility. Even if you aren’t competing with them, their energy will rub off on you. Talk with and learn from people different from you. Be open to dialogue with acquaintances and even select strangers, as you may uncover interesting opportunities.”

Are you willing to take risks?

Ambition takes a willingness to step into fear and anxiety. Some people are better able to tolerate this fear, perhaps because they are more courageous, committed, or driven, and can minimize the fear. Ambitious people act with purpose, but allow themselves room to explore, experiment and discover.

Whenever you’re next in doubt about whether you’re being competitive or ambitious, ask yourself this: “Am I really trying to do my best or is this about my need to be the best?” Chances are, you’ll be able to tell which state you’re in just by how you feel in your body.

Making a Difference in Someone’s Life

It’s a weekday night, you get home from work, quickly make yourself some dinner or maybe order something from one of the many apps on your phone. After dinner you plop down on the couch and turn on your TV and say glued to Netflix or Prime until it’s time to head to bed. Does that sound familiar?

Maybe that’s even what you did last night? Don’t worry this is a judgement free zone. Do you ever find yourself wondering and yet so powerfully certain at the same time that, “There’s got to be something more than this.” I for one know from firsthand experience that there is more to life than this.

I was always the guy who was looking for a way to change a life and give back ever since I was little. I’ve always opted for volunteering with different organizations as my way to make a difference, but there are so many unique ways that you can positively impact those around you. And you know what? Not only does helping someone else out make a difference in someone else’s life, but it also makes a difference in your own life.

Taking the time to think about others, volunteering our time, helping someone with their groceries or however else we might do it, has an immense impact on our overall happiness and fulfillment in our own lives. You are not alone with this feeling to make a difference. In fact, so many people have a desire to make a difference that Match.com even decided to add it as one of the only 20 “Bucket List” options you can choose from that they have singles fill out when they first complete their dating profile.

We all have a desire to be seen, to be valued, and to be heard, truly heard. In most cases when we spend time helping others or volunteering with an organization we not only feel good on the inside, but we feel valued by the organization or by the person we are helping. We feel like we matter. We ALL have a desire to feel like we matter in this 7.5 billion people packed world and making a difference, makes us feel like we matter. It makes us feel validated. It makes us feel like we are important.

No matter where we are in our life, no matter what type of schedule we currently have, there is always a way to make a difference in somebody’s life.

Here is my three step process that I am so excited to share with you about how you can intentionally start to make a positive difference in someone’s life today.

Three steps to making a difference:

Define what making a difference means to you. This is the first step because you want to be intentional in your approach. There’s no use volunteering where your best friend does if it doesn’t light you up inside. It’s so easy for us to compare ourselves to others even when it comes to doing good in the world and giving back, but try your best not to play the comparison game. Define what making a difference means to you in the current season of life you are in and don’t mind what your neighbor or friend has going on.

How can you uniquely contribute? What are the strengths you have? Maybe it’s a personality trait that makes you naturally really great at taking care of dogs, playing with kids, or playing card games with the elderly. Evaluate what you know to be true about yourself and what you enjoy doing. Think about what you feel like you have been called to do in this world. Is there a specific role that you want to play in giving back and making a difference?

Do what you want to do. Do you like helping out in groups or do you prefer to volunteer alone? Is there a passion project that you’ve been dying to start that would have positive impact on many lives? Is there a specific cause that you want to try to figure out how to get involved with? Think about what you want to do and why it means something to you. Many times the things that have meaning to us go so much deeper than that we want to make a difference. Try filling out the following sentence in helping you decide what your deeper meaning is.

“I want to do___________________ because of _____________________ and by doing this it will make me feel__________________________.”

I have shared the following poem before, but it is so apt here:

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey.
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what’s true,
One life can make a difference,
You see, it’s up to you!

Your Walk vs Your Talk

There is an old saying that is usually shared with all sporting teams that encourages them to lift when they are losing momentum during a game.

When a brave person takes a stand, it stiffens the spines of others.
Billy Graham

To me, this paints a vivid mental picture and is what a leader does in times of adversity and the team has their backs to the wall. One courageous person, does what it takes and stands up against the odds and leads by example. Then a decisive psychological affect starts to compound and becomes contagious to all other players, winning back the momentum and more times than not, winning the game. That shift though, started with one person, a natural leader who sacrificed their own well being and safety for the sake of the team.

Leadership is a skill and like any other, it can be learned, and that means it requires practice.

You don’t just get a promotion to supervisor or manager and all of a sudden you become a leader. As convincing as that two day off site course on leadership was, it doesn’t qualify you as a leader.

The reality is, it takes work. Leadership is not a rank, position or title. If you are a good leader, you work harder and longer than everyone else, you LEAD BY EXAMPLE. The more you do this and practice it, the better you get, but it all comes at a cost, which is your time, experience and stepping up when no one else will. The other hard part about leadership is it is difficult to measure. There is no real metric that measures leadership. It’s an accumulation of lots of little things that anyone of them by themselves is innocuous and useless. Literally pointless by themselves. It is the small things, the one percenters and putting others interests before your own that makes a great leader.

One of my favorite leadership fables is that of Mahatma Gandhi. This story defines the true meaning of leading by example and not following advice, but more so action.

In the 1930’s there was a young boy who had become addicted to and obsessed with eating sugar. His mother decided to get help and took the long and hot journey with her son walking many miles and hours under the scorching sun.

She finally reached Gandhi and asked him to tell her son to stop eating sugar, it wasn’t good for his health. Gandhi replied, “I cannot tell him that. But you may bring him back in a few weeks and then I will talk to him.” The mother was confused and upset and took the boy home.

Two weeks later she came back. This time Gandhi looked directly at the boy and said “”Boy, you should stop eating sugar. It is not good for your health.” The boy nodded his head and promised he wouldn’t. The boy’s mother was puzzled. She asked “Why didn’t you tell him that two weeks ago when I brought him here to see you?”

Gandhi smiled and said, “Two weeks ago I was eating a lot of sugar myself!”

What Lesson Are You Teaching?

You may not know it, but your day-to-day behavior, from the way you drive to the tone of your voice, is shaping the way those around you will act.

For many children and those starting their careers, the most important role models are those who have a regular presence in their lives. They are like a sponge, absorbing everything you say and do.

They learn attitudes, behaviors, prejudices, likes, dislikes, compassion and generosity by watching the way you conduct yourself each day.

How you respond to problems, handle stress, frustrations, treat other people, and deal with responsibilities, loss, and mistakes will impact the lives behind their eyes watching you.

Children especially look up to a variety of role models that help shape how they behave in school, handle relationships, or make difficult decisions. Children will use the example you set, whether it be positive or negative, as a pattern for the way life should be lived.

What we do doesn’t define who we are; who we are defines what we do.

Saying “Do as I say, not as I do” simply does not work.

Let no man imagine that he has no influence
Henry George

Remember the importance of being a positive role model because there is always someone looking up to you.

8 Super Simple Ways to Spread Sunshine

A smile is contagious and in a good way. It’s actually one of the very few things that you’d want to “catch” and then spread to others. The great things about making someone else smile is it gives you a feeling of happiness as well. You never know what someone’s day is like, or what trials and troubles they are going through so the beautiful thing about making someone else smile is that it can make their entire day. Being able to share and spread happiness is a beautiful gift that anyone can enjoy. Why not start the sharing trend and spread happiness any way that you can? It’s come back to you tenfold as well!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to contribute to the world somehow. I bet that, just like me, you walk around with some sort of wish in your heart to change the world in some way, but you might not do anything about it. How come?

My excuses were time, money, fears, and not knowing how to go about it. I’m guessing you have similar hindrances. However after sometime I realised just one thing:

All I really have is today. And I better make it count.

If you’re like me, quite busy with daily life, you might not know where to start. Consider following and see if there are anything you can apply in your everyday.

1. Be kind toward yourself.

You know how on airplanes they advise that in case of a possible accident, parents should put on their oxygen masks before they help their kids? The same thing applies here.

Be kind toward yourself. Really. You can’t give what you don’t have, right? So go ahead and do the things you love—dance, sing, or paint all you want. Just enjoy. Then go and spread some happiness around you.

2. Smile.

This is the best method ever to make your own day and spread happiness around to others. Don’t wait to be happy; think of something good in your life, smile, and see what happens.

3. Surprise!

Surprise the people you love with flowers, small presents, kind words, help, a hug, or a genuine compliment.

4. Be a hero.

Notice and help someone around you, a perfect stranger.

5. Say something good about someone or something.

Be genuine. This makes you feel good and it’s much better than gossiping, since you’re spreading positive words and thoughts with the people around you. Win!

6. Make an effort to have good thoughts.

The thing with our thoughts is that they become words and then actions, so it’s important we observe them and choose them wisely. Our thoughts are like flower seeds. They can either spread happiness or sadness. The choice is ours!

7. Listen with all your attention.

It sounds so easy, yet really few master it. Give your full attention to the person you’re talking with. It can change your whole view of the person and vice versa. That makes two happy people!

8. Learn a skill.

Then teach it for free. It could be anything from languages to cooking. Make it your one-person charity organization. Just don’t tell anyone. Have fun!

Happiness is not a goal…it’s a by-product of a life well lived.
Eleanor Roosevelt

As you can see the simplest acts can create a chain of happiness that is contagious. So go out and be the light of the world.

What do you do to spread happiness?

Denialism

We are all in denial, some of the time at least. Part of being human, and living in a society with other humans, is finding clever ways to express – and conceal – our feelings. From the most sophisticated diplomatic language to the baldest lie, humans find ways to deceive. Deceptions are not necessarily malign; at some level they are vital if humans are to live together with civility.

In practising social civility, you keep silent about things you know clearly but which you should not and do not say.
Richard Sennett

Just as we can suppress some aspects of ourselves in our self-presentation to others, so we can do the same to ourselves in acknowledging or not acknowledging what we desire. Most of the time, we spare ourselves from the torture of recognising our baser yearnings. But when does this necessary private self-deception become harmful? When it becomes public dogma. In other words: when it becomes denialism.

Denialism is an expansion, an intensification, of denial. At root, denial and denialism are simply a subset of the many ways humans have developed to use language to deceive others and themselves. Denial can be as simple as refusing to accept that someone else is speaking truthfully. Denial can be as unfathomable as the multiple ways we avoid acknowledging our weaknesses and secret desires.

Denialism is more than just another manifestation of the humdrum intricacies of our deceptions and self-deceptions. It represents the transformation of the everyday practice of denial into a whole new way of seeing the world and – most important – a collective accomplishment. Denial is furtive and routine; denialism is combative and extraordinary. Denial hides from the truth, denialism builds a new and better truth.

Empathy with denialists is not easy, but it is essential. Denialism is not stupidity, or ignorance, or psychological pathology. Nor is it the same as lying. Of course, denialists can be stupid, ignorant liars, but so can any of us. But denialists are people in a desperate predicament.

Refusing to acknowledge that something is wrong is a way of coping with emotional conflict, stress, painful thoughts, threatening information and anxiety. You can be in denial about anything that makes you feel vulnerable or threatens your sense of control, such as an illness, addiction, eating disorder, personal violence, financial problems or relationship conflicts. You can be in denial about something happening to you or to someone else.

When you’re in denial, you:

Won’t acknowledge a difficult situation
Try not to face the facts of a problem
Downplay possible consequences of the issue

When denial can be helpful

Refusing to face facts might seem unhealthy. Sometimes, though, a short period of denial can be helpful. Being in denial gives your mind the opportunity to unconsciously absorb shocking or distressing information at a pace that won’t send you into a psychological tailspin.

For example, after a traumatic event, you might need several days or weeks to process what’s happened and come to grips with the challenges ahead. Imagine what might happen if you find a lump in your throat. You might feel a rush of fear and adrenaline as you imagine it’s cancer.

So you ignore the lump, hoping it’ll go away on its own. But when the lump is still there a week later, you consult your doctor.

This type of denial is a helpful response to stressful information. You initially denied the distressing problem. But as your mind absorbed the possibility, you began to approach the problem more rationally and took action by seeking help.

When denial can be harmful

But what if you had continued to be in denial about the lump? What if you never sought help? If denial persists and prevents you from taking appropriate action, such as consulting your doctor, it’s a harmful response.

Consider these examples of unhealthy denial:

A college student witnesses a violent shooting but claims not to be affected by it.
The partner of an older man in the end stage of life refuses to discuss health care directives and wills with him, insisting that he’s getting better.
Someone periodically misses morning work meetings after drinking excessively the night before, but insists there’s no problem because the work is still getting done.
A couple are ringing up so much credit card debt that they toss the bills aside because they can’t bear to open them.
The parents of a teen with drug addiction keep giving their child “clothing” money.
A person with chest pain and shortness of breath doesn’t believe those symptoms signal a heart attack and delays getting help.

In situations such as these, denial might prevent you or your loved one from getting help, such as medical treatment or counseling, or dealing with problems that can spiral out of control — all with potentially devastating long-term consequences.

Moving past denial

When faced with an overwhelming turn of events, it’s OK to say, “I just can’t think about all of this right now.” You might need time to work through what’s happened and adapt to new circumstances. But it’s important to realize that denial should only be a temporary measure — it won’t change the reality of the situation.

It isn’t always easy to tell if denial is holding you back. The strength of denial can change over time, especially for someone with chronic illness — some periods are linked to less defensiveness, and at other times denial may be much stronger. If you feel stuck or if someone you trust suggests that you’re in denial, however, you might try these strategies:

Honestly examine what you fear.
Think about the potential negative consequences of not taking action.
Allow yourself to express your fears and emotions.
Try to identify irrational beliefs about your situation.
Journal about your experience.
Open up to a trusted friend or loved one.
Participate in a support group.

If you can’t make progress dealing with a stressful situation on your own — you’re stuck in the denial phase — consider talking to a mental health provider. He or she can help you find healthy ways to cope with the situation rather than trying to pretend it doesn’t exist.

When a loved one needs help moving beyond denial

You might find it frustrating when someone you love is in denial about an important issue. But before demanding that your loved one face the facts, take a step back. Try to determine if he or she just needs a little time to work through the issue.

At the same time, let the person know that you’re open to talking about the subject, even if it makes both of you uncomfortable. Ultimately, this might give your loved one the security he or she needs to move forward. Your loved one may even be relieved when you bring the issue up.

If your loved one is in denial about a serious health issue, such as depression, cancer or an addiction, broaching the issue might be especially difficult. Listen and offer your support. Don’t try to force someone to seek treatment, which could lead to angry confrontations. Offer to meet together with a doctor or mental health provider.

Be the reason someone believes in the goodness of people

In these days of constant negativity, it’s hard to give a person a reason to believe in the good in the world. It’s hard to see the beauty of humanity. You may not be able to fix everything, but you’re the only person who can provide that one ray of hope that someone needs to carry them through their day. Be good, help others and become a reason someone believes in good people.

In the present time it’s hard to believe someone. With all the bad happening in the world; people are losing hope in good people and it’s getting hard to find one. We need to give them a reason to believe again.

Everyone is bad, no one wants to change, then why should you? The problem is, all of us think this way. That’s why nothing change. We have to change ourself first. “Let the goodness begin with you.”

Before asking someone else to change, it’s better to change yourself first. Because you have some control over you only. There are many things you can do to be better. Things you have control over. It’s hard but if everyone does it, it should work for the better of the world.

We all know how cheerful it is to wear a smiling face all the time. So don’t hurt others but rather be the main reason why they will smile. Because of some act you may show some day, that little act can make someone happy all his entire life. And that is exactly the kind of person you should be. Not someone others will be mad to live with. That is why we keep on remembering comedians even after their death. Why because, we smile whenever they open their mouth.

Compassion, empathy, and faith in people: the pillars of kindness

Simply put, compassion is our capacity to recognize and feel sympathy towards those who are suffering. I know it may not always seem like it these days, but it’s actually something that comes naturally to us since it’s a vital element of a species’ survival.

After all, if we don’t care about each other we can’t care for each other. Since every single last person on this earth has needed someone to take care of them at some point (and not just when we’re defenseless babies), you can see imagine how quickly our species would come to an end without at least some sense of compassion.

Empathy and compassion go hand-in-hand. When you adopt a more compassionate state of mind, you’ll naturally start looking at the world through a more empathetic lens. That, in turn, leads you to assume the best of people. This is best described through an example.

Imagine that you’re driving home from the store, and a guy cuts you off in traffic. He just pulls right out in front of you, forcing you to slam on your brakes to avoid hitting him. Your first thought is “What a jerk!” You return his guilty look by flipping him off and screaming expletives at him.

Now, look at the scenario through a more compassionate and empathetic lens. Why do you think he cut you off? Maybe he just got a call saying that his child was injured at school and on the way to the hospital. Perhaps his wife just called saying that she’s in labor. Maybe he just lost his job and was lost in his thoughts about how he’ll afford to keep a roof over his kids’ heads.

There are so many potential reasons that have nothing to do with “because he’s a jerk.” No, it doesn’t’ change the fact that he almost caused an accident, or that you’re feeling a bit shaken from that near miss. But it does change how you respond to the incident.

Instead of flipping him off when he gives you that “I’m so sorry” look, you respond with a smile and a wave. At that moment, at a time when he is expecting the worst response from you and instead gets gentle forgiveness, you become the reason he believes in good people.

That mindset, that way of looking at the world and treating people, is really the heart of living a life filled with kindness. It’s how we become better people and create a gentler society.

What could be considered “goodness”?

Go that extra mile when you see something is missing.
Reach out to encourage, without expectation of return.
Provide what’s needed – anonymously if possible.
Smile even when you don’t feel like it.
Clean up a mess, especially if you weren’t involved.
Open doors for others – figuratively speaking.
Be with someone. Just be. No words, or advice.
Give a verbal hug to someone who has felt rejected.
Let go of something. Release your anger or expectation, or…
Care for something that’s not your responsibility.
I’m sure there are more! What would you add?

SMART Goals

Many people feel as if they’re adrift in the world. They work hard, but they don’t seem to get anywhere worthwhile.

A key reason that they feel this way is that they haven’t spent enough time thinking about what they want from life, and haven’t set themselves formal goals. After all, would you set out on a major journey with no real idea of your destination? Probably not!

Goal setting is a powerful process for thinking about your ideal future, and for motivating yourself to turn your vision of this future into reality.

The process of setting goals helps you choose where you want to go in life. By knowing precisely what you want to achieve, you know where you have to concentrate your efforts. You’ll also quickly spot the distractions that can, so easily, lead you astray.

You set your goals on a number of levels:

First you create your “big picture” of what you want to do with your life (or over, say, the next 10 years), and identify the large-scale goals that you want to achieve.
Then, you break these down into the smaller and smaller targets that you must hit to reach your lifetime goals.
Finally, once you have your plan, you start working on it to achieve these goals.

This is why we start the process of setting goals by looking at your lifetime goals. Then, we work down to the things that you can do in, say, the next five years, then next year, next month, next week, and today, to start moving towards them.

To give a broad, balanced coverage of all important areas in your life, try to set goals in some of the following categories (or in other categories of your own, where these are important to you):

Career – What level do you want to reach in your career, or what do you want to achieve?
Financial – How much do you want to earn, by what stage? How is this related to your career goals?
Education – Is there any knowledge you want to acquire in particular? What information and skills will you need to have in order to achieve other goals?
Family – Do you want to be a parent? If so, how are you going to be a good parent? How do you want to be seen by a partner or by members of your extended family?
Artistic – Do you want to achieve any artistic goals?
Attitude – Is any part of your mindset holding you back? Is there any part of the way that you behave that upsets you? If so, set a goal to improve your behavior or find a solution to the problem.
Physical – Are there any athletic goals that you want to achieve, or do you want good health deep into old age? What steps are you going to take to achieve this?
Pleasure – How do you want to enjoy yourself? (You should ensure that some of your life is for you!)
Public Service – Do you want to make the world a better place? If so, how?

A useful way of making goals more powerful is to use the SMART mnemonic. While there are plenty of variants (some of which we’ve included in parenthesis), SMART usually stands for:

S – Specific (or Significant).
M – Measurable (or Meaningful).
A – Attainable (or Action-Oriented).
R – Relevant (or Rewarding).
T – Time-bound (or Trackable).

For example, instead of having “to sail around the world” as a goal, it’s more powerful to use the SMART goal “To have completed my trip around the world by December 31, 2027.” Obviously, this will only be attainable if a lot of preparation has been completed beforehand!

Now that you know how important goals are, it’s time to take the first step toward setting goals and achieving them.

Whether it’s personal goals for yourself or company-driven goals for your team, the goal-setting process can help you find purpose and meaning in your life.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and your team members. Even if you don’t reach all of your goals, just having them written down can provide a deeper sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.

Still not sure how to set goals and achieve them? Or do you just need more help on your goal-setting journey? Get in touch with me!

Why It’s So Hard to Feel Worthy of Success

Think about the cumulative effect of all the negative things you’ve told yourself about yourself. Even for relatively happy, normal, well-adjusted people, it’s almost impossible to turn off that voice that tells you you’re not good enough.

The irony of it? We think about ourselves, constantly, all the time, but when it comes to using that self-obsession to make our lives better, the effectiveness of our minds suddenly drops.

We all want to be successful. Sure, that definition changes depending on who you ask. Yes, most of us have had successes in our lives and live pretty good lives, too. But few of us feel like we’ve maxed out our potential and really gave it our all at something we cared about.

Deep down, many of us feel unworthy of our dreams.

Do you feel this way? I know parts of me did when I was trying to accomplish my goal of writing to share my thoughts and convictions.

You think to yourself, “Who the hell are you to have these dreams? Basically no one pulls off a dream like this off. Do you really think you’re different? Really? Think of all your mistakes. You have no evidence that shows you’ll ever change. Why try?”

We all have some iteration of this conversation with ourselves. We’re hurtful to ourselves. Truly mean and cruel in a way we’d never be to other human beings.

Where does this come from? Why do we do this to ourselves? How can we fix it? How can you succeed?

You’re Fighting an Uphill Battle From Birth

It doesn’t help that you learn to view your own behavior through the lens of right and wrong, mostly wrong, from a very young age. You spend your whole life being told what not to do.

When you’re little it’s “don’t touch that.” When you get older, almost everything you learn is predicated on avoiding failure instead of achieving success. It’s not so much that you wanted to get good grades. You didn’t want to get bad grades and feel shame. Not so much that you wanted to get the degree, but that you didn’t want to be a disappointment or you didn’t want to be a part of the “out crowd” who doesn’t have that piece of paper.

You’re always playing defense. Always trying to avoid making mistakes. Looking bad has always been weighted more heavily than feeling good.

Our entire society is a comparison trap. Grades could easily be pass or fail — the arbitrary nature of the grades has nothing to do with whether you really know the information or not.

You take “standardized tests” as if human beings are standard issue and achieve success using the exact same rubric. Everything is standardized — standard home, car, degree, job, neighborhood. And our goals are set by society — don’t fall below these standards.

Create a Mental Flywheel For Success

The good news? Competence does create confidence. Once you create enough evidence for your own success you’ll no longer have to rely on tricking yourself and faking it.

It’ll work the same for you with your dream. 80 percent of your effort goes towards hitting critical mass, the tipping point, breaking that wall, and then achieving your dream is just a matter of time — the other 20 percent. The beginning phase of building any dream is so fraught with doubt and difficulty that it basically destroys most people dead in their tracks almost right away.

But if you understand that it’s the hardest part and that you won’t always feel that heavily full of doubt, you can take your bumps and bruises upfront until you reach the other side. And the crazy thing about it? Your mind is mostly in the way. The actual steps aren’t that bad.

You will have to face rejection. But do you know what rejection and embarrassment really are? They’re just physiological responses — you get that heart in your stomach feeling for a few seconds and then it goes away. Feeling bad or discouraged about anything is just your interpretation of what happened. You know this, but over time, you’ll know this.

You will start to feel worthy as time moves forward. The first time you pull off something you thought was outside your capabilities, you’ll fully understand how limiting your beliefs are. I still have limiting beliefs about some of the big hairy audacious goals I still have. But now I know that my current normal life would seem absurd to my past self, so I let go of the need to have one hundred percent belief in myself and I just keep doing the work.

Remember Who You Really Are

When was the last time someone told you that you’re good enough? How often do you tell yourself that? Unfortunately, we lack positive reinforcement in our society and even in our own upbringing sometimes. But you can always be your own support system.

Start thinking of yourself as a friend and start taking care of yourself. Make a conscious effort to do that. I’m weird. I literally talk to myself. Sometimes looking in the mirror. I try to remind myself of who to trust — not my irrational monkey mind liar, but me.

That negative-self talk voice isn’t you. You know that, right?

“This is just the way I am.” Not true. It’s the way you’re choosing to be. It’s the way you default to being because you listen to that negative voice instead of listening to yourself.

I can’t even imagine what’s going on in your mind on a day to day basis because I personally have a hell of a nasty self-talk voice.

At the end of the day, you have to seriously take care of yourself and take your relationship with yourself seriously. You won’t always have good days. But, what choice do you have? Either you try your best to make it work or you give up and let your lizard brain run your life for you.

Keep having those conversations with yourself.

You owe it to yourself to live a better life.

You deserve to live a better life and you know it.

Here’s what will happen if you do decide to listen to yourself. One day you’ll look back on everything you’ve ever done and you’ll thank yourself that you were there for yourself.

You’ll have a level of confidence no one can take away from you ever. Success doesn’t solve all your problems, but it does give you the peace in knowing you cared about yourself enough to follow through with something you cared about.

There’s no feeling quite like it.