Kenrick Vaz

Are you good at accepting both compliments and criticism?

If I had to ask if you are good at accepting criticism, what would your answer be? Most of us would answer no. Let’s face it, it’s human nature to not love criticism, even when it comes in the constructive variety. Fewer of us are good at accepting compliment as well because as much as we might dread criticism, many of us tend to be even more painfully uncomfortable with compliments. And if you ask me, this doesn’t make any sense.

Why do we lack grace when it comes to acceptance of both these forms of feedback? It’s utterly bizarre and wildly nonsensical. But it’s something I’ve seen among so many people, most especially myself.

I think the reason that many of us struggle with accepting compliments is the exact same reason why many of us struggle with accepting criticism. It comes down to a lack of assurance in our own individual worth, and the way both compliments and criticism make us increasingly aware of this reality.

I want to clarify that when I talk about a lack of assurance in our worth, I’m not necessarily talking about a complete lack of self-esteem here. I believe those are two different things. What I’m referring to is less about liking yourself, and more about knowing who you are.

More specifically, it’s about knowing who you are in an unshakable, impermeable way. Self-worth is something I’ve worked on for many years now, and while I’ve grown exponentially in this area, that complete comfort in my own identity is something I am still trying to achieve.

I BELIEVE THAT WHEN A PERSON HAS AN INNATE SENSE OF SELF-WORTH, BOTH COMPLIMENTS AND CRITICISM BECOME EASY TO HEAR, ABSORB, AND ACCEPT.

One of the ways that has truly helped me is by being my own best friend. What does this mean?

It means that when I think or say something negative about myself, I put on my ‘best friend hat’and rewind. I ask myself how I would respond if someone were to say those very same words about one of my nearest and dearest? I’d no doubt defend them to the ends of the earth, and so I engage in that exact same inner dialogue on behalf of myself.

It means playing the ‘compliment’ game we tend to play with our besties when we see them for the first time. You know what I’m talking about … You compliment their hair, their skin, their new job, their cute dog … Every night before bed, I reflect on how I made myself proud that day. Through this habit, I pay myself an honest and true compliment every single night.

It means having the same level of honesty that we owe to our closest companions. This of course, is where the criticism comes in. Self-worth should not be about false confidence, but rather it should be about authenticity and truth. So at bedtime, after I’ve paid myself that daily compliment, I also ask myself how I could have done better. Is there somewhere I went wrong or a way that I could be doing more? I answer the question without holding back, and my inner best friend thanks me for it.

Lastly, it means taking care of myself in the way I’d take care of anyone else I loved. This means feeding myself healthy food and moving my body as often as possible. This means taking time to nourish my soul with quiet time, good books, and occasional Netflix marathons. This means pushing myself past my comfort zone, but also knowing when to slow down and just breathe. This means nourishing my soul in the best way I can, because I am now starting to believe that I am worth it.

Diwali ~ Be the Light

India is a land of festivals and today we have Deepavali (or Diwali) which literally means “rows of lamps”. Throughout the world, all Hindus celebrate Deepavali or Diwali with great pomp and enthusiasm. Here is a story about the origins of Diwali.

Once upon a time there was a great warrior, Prince Rama, who had a beautiful wife named Sita.

There was also a terrible demon king, Ravana. He had twenty arms and ten heads, and was feared throughout the land. He wanted to make Sita his wife, and one day he kidnapped her and took her away in his chariot. Clever Sita left a trail of her jewellery for Rama to follow.

Rama followed the trail of glittering jewellery until he met the monkey king, Hanuman, who became his friend and agreed to help find Sita. Messages were sent to all the monkeys in the world, and through them to all the bears, who set out to find Sita.

After a very long search, Hanuman found Sita imprisoned on an island. Rama’s army of monkeys and bears couldn’t reach the island, so they began to build a bridge. Soon all the animals of the world, large and small, came to help. When the bridge was built, they rushed across it and fought a mighty battle.

When Rama killed the evil Ravana with a magic arrow, the whole world rejoiced. Rama and Sita began their long journey back to their land, and everybody lit oil lamps to guide them on their way and welcome them back.

Ever since, people light lamps at Diwali to remember that light triumphs over dark and good triumphs over evil.

When I hear of light, I am immediately transported to the Presidential inauguration of Joe Biden where Amanda Gorman stole the show with her poem “The Hill We Climb”. The 22 year old poet wowed the crowd with her reading and I was deeply touched by the last 3 lines.

For there is always light,
If only we’re brave enough to see it.
If only we’re brave enough to be it.

When day comes, we ask ourselves where can we find light in this never-ending shade?
The loss we carry, a sea we must wade.
We’ve braved the belly of the beast.

We’ve learned that quiet isn’t always peace,
and the norms and notions of what “just” is isn’t always justice.
And yet, the dawn is ours before we knew it.
Somehow we do it.
Somehow we’ve weathered and witnessed a nation that isn’t broken,
but simply unfinished.
We, the successors of a country and a time where a skinny Black girl descended from slaves and raised by a single mother can dream of becoming president, only to find herself reciting for one.

And yes, we are far from polished, far from pristine,
but that doesn’t mean we are striving to form a union that is perfect.
We are striving to forge our union with purpose.
To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters, and conditions of man.
And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us, but what stands before us.
We close the divide because we know, to put our future first, we must first put our differences aside.

We lay down our arms so we can reach out our arms to one another.
We seek harm to none and harmony for all.
Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true:
That even as we grieved, we grew.
That even as we hurt, we hoped.
That even as we tired, we tried.
That we’ll forever be tied together, victorious.
Not because we will never again know defeat, but because we will never again sow division.

Scripture tells us to envision that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree and no one shall make them afraid.
If we’re to live up to our own time, then victory won’t lie in the blade, but in all the bridges we’ve made.
That is the promise to glade, the hill we climb, if only we dare.
It’s because being American is more than a pride we inherit.
It’s the past we step into and how we repair it.

We’ve seen a force that would shatter our nation rather than share it.
Would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy.
This effort very nearly succeeded.
But while democracy can be periodically delayed,
it can never be permanently defeated.
In this truth, in this faith, we trust,
for while we have our eyes on the future, history has its eyes on us.
This is the era of just redemption.
We feared it at its inception.
We did not feel prepared to be the heirs of such a terrifying hour,
but within it, we found the power to author a new chapter, to offer hope and laughter to ourselves.
So while once we asked, ‘How could we possibly prevail over catastrophe?’ now we assert, ‘How could catastrophe possibly prevail over us?’

We will not march back to what was, but move to what shall be:
A country that is bruised but whole, benevolent but bold, fierce and free.
We will not be turned around or interrupted by intimidation because we know our inaction and inertia will be the inheritance of the next generation.
Our blunders become their burdens.
But one thing is certain:
If we merge mercy with might, and might with right, then love becomes our legacy and change, our children’s birthright.

So let us leave behind a country better than the one we were left.
With every breath from my bronze-pounded chest, we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one.
We will rise from the golden hills of the west.
We will rise from the wind-swept north-east where our forefathers first realized revolution.
We will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the midwestern states.
We will rise from the sun-baked south.
We will rebuild, reconcile, and recover.
In every known nook of our nation, in every corner called our country,
our people, diverse and beautiful, will emerge, battered and beautiful.
When day comes, we step out of the shade, aflame and unafraid.
The new dawn blooms as we free it.
For there is always light,
if only we’re brave enough to see it.
If only we’re brave enough to be it.

The Man in the Mirror

When I read this quote, I immediately thought of the famous golfer Bobby Jones. In the 1925 U.S. Open, as Bobby set up to hit out of the rough grass, his ball moved ever so slightly, a motion that calls for a stroke penalty. He was the only one who saw it, and yet, he called the penalty on himself. The penalty eventually cost him the championship. When people tried to congratulate him on his sportsmanship, Jones replied, “That’s like congratulating someone for not robbing a bank.”

He was truly a man of integrity. Bobby Jones personified the saying, “Character is what you do when no one else is looking.” Men of integrity value what is honest, true, noble, trustworthy, kind, and right, ahead of personal gain. When it is firmly embedded in our foundation, integrity ceases to be optional but instead becomes a way of life.

This reminds me of one of my favorite poems,

The Man in the Mirror
by Dale Wimbrow

When you get all you want and you struggle for self,
and the world makes you king for a day,
then go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your mother, your father or wife
whose judgment upon you must pass,
but the man, whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please,
never mind all the rest.
For he’s with you right to the end,
and you’ve passed your most difficult test
if the man in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum,
And think you’re a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world,
down the highway of years,
and take pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

Staying Positive

It is really hard to find something positive in our darkest days. However staying positive is the only way to make it through the tough times. Sometime back I came across the inspirational story of Liz Murray, a woman who overcame tremendous odds to become the best selling author, motivational speaker and a strong voice for women who are also working towards goals despite dealing with significant hardship.

Liz, born in the Bronx, New York, recalls her earliest memories of her parents spending their welfare payments on heroin and cocaine whilst she and her sister starved. “We ate ice cubes because it felt like eating. We split a tube of toothpaste between us for dinner.”

The sisters watched as their parents were rendered hopeless by drug addiction and poverty. Her mother would steal their birthday money, sell the TV and even a donated Thanksgiving Turkey in order to get her next hit. Liz would arrive at school scruffy where she was subject to bullying, dropping out as a result.

Her mother’s mantra was “one day life is going to be better.” When Liz was 15, her mother revealed that she was HIV positive and had aids. Shortly afterwards she succumbed to the illness and was buried in a donated wooden box.

Unable to pay the rent, the remainder of the family was evicted. Liz’s father went to a shelter, her sister to a friend’s place and Liz, to the streets.

Becoming homeless at 16, Liz would steal food and at the same time she shoplifted self-helps books and studied for exams in a friend’s hallway. Having not attended school for a number of years, at 17 Liz pledged to become a straight-A student and completed her high school education in just 2 years.

She then did a years work term while attending night classes. A teacher saw the drive she had and mentored her. When he took his top 10 students to Harvard Liz decided that was where she was headed and started to research ‘New York Times’ Scholarships.

Liz graduated from Harvard and went on to become a best-selling author as well as motivating teenagers to resist the temptations of drugs and gangs.

I need to take advantage of life right now. If I don’t, it will pass me by. It’s just that easy.
Liz Murray

The ultimate message is not to use the hardships of childhood or even our current situation as an excuse not to take on opportunities. Stay positive to keep making investments into your future.

Being the right person

Quite a few of my friends are at the stage of looking out for the right person to settle down with. Most of the time we are comparing ourselves to others, whether it is with our spouses or spouse-to-be, or families or colleagues at work, or friends. We catch ourselves saying wish I was on their team or project, wish I had a brother/sister like that etc.

When I saw this quote, I was reminded of my favorite Christmas story.

A friend of mine named Paul received a new car from his brother as a pre-Christmas present. On Christmas Eve, when Paul came out of his office, a street urchin was walking around the shiny new car, admiring it.

“Is this your car, mister?” he asked.

Paul nodded. “My brother gave it to me for Christmas.”

The boy looked astounded. “You mean your brother gave it to you, and it didn’t cost you anything? Gosh, I wish…..”

He hesitated, and Paul knew what he was going to wish. He was going to wish he had a brother like that. But what the lad said jarred Paul all the way down to his heels.

“I wish,” the boy went on, “that I could be a brother like that.”

Paul looked at the boy in astonishment, then impulsively added, “Would you like a ride in my new car?”

“Oh, yes, I’d love that!”

After a short ride the urchin turned, and with his eyes aglow said, “Mister, would you mind driving in front of my house?”

Paul smiled a little. He thought he knew what the lad wanted. He wanted to show his neighbors that he could ride home in a big automobile. But Paul was wrong again.

“Will you stop right where those steps are?” the boy asked. He ran up the steps. Then in a little while, Paul heard him coming back, but he was not coming fast. He was carrying his little polio-crippled brother. He sat down on the bottom step, then sort of squeezed up right against him and pointed to the car.

“There she is, Buddy, just like I told you upstairs. His brother gave it to him for Christmas and it didn’t cost him a cent, and someday I’m gonna give you one just like it; then you can see for yourself all the pretty things in the Christmas windows that I’ve been trying to tell you about.”

Paul got out and lifted the little lad into the front seat of his car. The shining-eyed older brother climbed in beside him and the three of them began a memorable holiday ride.

Forgive & Forget?

Of the four mantras here for happiness, today I’d like to focus on the third one – forgive those who hurt you. It is so difficult for most of us to forgive someone who has hurt us. The deeper the wound, the more we hold ourselves back from pardoning them. However what we fail to realise is that along with not healing the relationship, we are causing ourselves more harm by hollding on to grudges. We need to learn our lesson from the incident and move on. Forgetting is not an option, however forgive and move on.

Sometime back I had written an article on Ubuntu. And here is a lovely story that touched me.

An old man once had an argument with his only son. He tried to apologize many times but the young man would not listen. The father never gave up because he loved his son with all his heart, but the son would not give in, because he was too blinded by his pride.

Years passed and as the man lay in his deathbed, he made a final attempt to reconcile with his son, but still he would not listen and so the father died with a heart full of grief.

During this time the son too had a child who had now grown up into a young adult. To this child he never mentioned his father and when the young man asked about his grandfather he would tell him never to mention him again.

One day, they too were both involved in a hot argument and his son fled away as his father did many years before. The man was extremely saddened and this time he had no pride, but felt completely isolated.

He was afraid that he had lost his son forever and for the first time after many years he turned to God in prayer. At that moment something filled his heart and he realized how his father must have felt many years back.

He remembered how he had hurt his old man and only at that point he realized the extent of the hurt he had caused. The more he thought the more he understood how unjust he was with his old father, the man who gave him everything through out his life.

With these sad thoughts he felt asleep on the couch. Next morning when he opened his eyes he found himself tucked in his bed and in front of him stood his son. The man could not believe his eyes, and the two hugged each other while they cried together.

After lots of apologies, the young man explained that up till the day before he felt lots of hatred towards his father, but during the night he had a strange dream that touched his heart. He dreamt that an old man was hugging him, and as he embraced him, all his hatred turned into love. The old man then told him to forgive and forget. He then explained that as soon as he woke up he came running to his father’s house.

At this point the man told his son that on the same night, he learnt an important lesson, and how he had let his father down when he was younger. The son wanted to know more about his grandfather who he never met or even saw, and this was the most appropriate time.

The man went to an old bookshelf and fetched an old family album. He then picked an old photograph of his father and when the son saw it, he remained dumb-founded. The son then explained that the man in the photograph was the same one he dreamt of the night before.

What Consumes your Mind Controls your Life

When we work hard, day after day, we start thinking about work even when we’re away from it. There are many reasons why this happens, while one of the major ones is – quick impulsive decisions don’t consume our mind, while more challenging ones can turn our everyday life a nightmare.

Similarly whenever you find yourself in a difficult situation or stand face to face against a major challenge, your brain registers a negative emotion — in many cases, this can either be fear, anger, sorrow, frustration or envy. These negative emotions narrow your mind towards escaping, avoiding, procrastinating or anything else to drive you away from confrontation. This is part of the human instinct when in survival mode. However, the problem is that your brain is still programmed to respond to negative emotions in the same way by shutting off the outside world and limiting the options you see around you.

For example, when someone insults you, your anger might consume you to the point where you can’t think of anything else. Or, you have a few deadlines today, you procrastinate everything till the last moment because you’re paralyzed by how long your to-do list has become. Or, you feel bas because of not hitting the gym today and all you can think about is how little willpower you have, and how you’re not driven.

In each case, your mind focusses on the negative emotions — it prevents you from seeing other options and choices around you.

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind.
Lord Buddha

Controlling the mind begins with the mastery of controlling one’s thoughts. If you can’t control your thoughts, you can’t control your actions. Our thoughts are so powerful that they are capable of turning a dream into reality. They are mixed baggage of our past, emotions, and fear. Our thoughts create our days, our life, decides our vibes, and triggers our feelings and behavior. Our mind is a multi-dimensional consciousness and thus it becomes important to mold our thoughts and point its attention in a particular positive direction to achieve peace of mind. Learning how to control your mind begins with the realization that the solution lies within us only.

When by my solitary hearth I sit,
And hateful thoughts enwrap my soul in gloom;
When no fair dreams before my ‘mind’s eye’ flit,
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

John Keats

Keep Trying…

Persistence and never giving up are extremely important qualities for a person on his way towards goals and dreams. We meet many obstacles all the time, that is why it is necessary to learn how be determined in our life. Here is a lovely story that I came across on following your dream.

From his childhood, Monty’s father as a horse trainer was moving from stable to stable, from ranch to ranch, training horses. Thus, the boy‘s school career was constantly interrupted. One day, when he was a senior, teacher asked him to write about what he wanted to be when he grew up. He did not hesitate a minute and wrote seven-page paper about his aim to be an owner of a horse ranch, he wrote many details and drew a location of buildings and stables and even a detailed house plan.

Two days later he received his paper back with letter “F” on the front page. After class he came to teacher and asked: “Why did I receive an F?”. The teacher responded: “This dreams is so unrealistic for a boy like you, who has no money, no resources and who comes from itinerant family. There is no possibility that you will reach your great goals one day.” Then the teacher offered to rewrite the paper with more realistic attitude.

The boy went home and asked his father, how he should act. The father answered: “This decision is very important for you. So you have to make your own mind on this.”

After several days the boy brought the same paper to his teacher. No changes were made. He said: “Keep the F and I will keep my dream”

Now Monty owns a 4,000-square-foot house in the middle of 200-acre horse ranch and he still has that school paper, which now is framed over the fireplace.

Remember, you have to follow your heart, never give up, move on with determination and persistence, and never let anyone take your dreams away.

Where there is a will..

Long ago, in China, there lived a big businessman whose business was to sell combs. Now that he was becoming old and about to retire, he wanted to place the business into wise and able hands.

So, he called forth his three sons and instructed them, that their assignment was to sell combs in the Buddhist monastery. The sons were shocked and confused because the monks in the monastery were bald and they never grew any hair. Anyhow, the three sons went about the job that was assigned to them.

After two days, the first son reported he had sold two combs. When the father asked how, he replied, that he instructed the monks that the comb would be a valuable tool for scratching their backs in case of itching.

The second son appeared later and told that he had sold ten combs by advising the monks that the combs would help their visitors and pilgrims to comb their hair before entering the monastery, as their hair might have ruffled during the journey to the monastery.

Then the third son came out with a surprising sales figure of a thousand Combs. The father filled with happiness and anxiety asked him how he had achieved such a feat.

The third son replied, that he gave the monks an idea.The idea was, that if some of the teachings of Buddha were to be printed/embossed on the comb and given as a take away gift to the visitors and pilgrims; they will remember the teachings of Buddha on a daily basis while combing their hair.
This creative idea struck the deal.

The simple story above goes to show that, “Where there is a WILL, there is always a way”

Our Attitude Shapes our Action and Results, when faced with challenges how will you respond?

The Floor Maid at the Tewksbury Institute

Dr. Frank Mayfield was touring Tewksbury Institute when, on his way out, he accidentally collided with an elderly floor maid. To cover the awkward moment Dr. May field started asking questions.

“How long have you worked here?”

“I’ve worked here almost since the place opened,” the maid replied.

“What can you tell me about the history of this place?” he asked.

“I don’t think I can tell you anything, but I could show you something.”

With that, she took his hand and led him down to the basement under the oldest section of the building. She pointed to one of what looked like small prison cells, their iron bars rusted with age, and said, “That’s the cage where they used to keep Annie Sullivan.”

“Who’s Annie?” the doctor asked.

Annie was a young girl who was brought in here because she was incorrigible—nobody could do anything with her. She’d bite and scream and throw her food at people. The doctors and nurses couldn’t even examine her or anything. I’d see them trying with her spitting and scratching at them.

“I was only a few years younger than her myself and I used to think, ‘I sure would hate to be locked up in a cage like that.’ I wanted to help her, but I didn’t have any idea what I could do. I mean, if the doctors and nurses couldn’t help her, what could someone like me do?

“I didn’t know what else to do, so I just baked her some brownies one night after work. The next day I brought them in. I walked carefully to her cage and said, ‘Annie, I baked these brownies just for you. I’ll put them right here on the floor and you can come and get them if you want.’

“Then I got out of there just as fast as I could because I was afraid she might throw them at me. But she didn’t. She actually took the brownies and ate them. After that, she was just a little bit nicer to me when I was around. And sometimes I’d talk to her. Once, I even got her laughing.

One of the nurses noticed this and she told the doctor. They asked me if I’d help them with Annie. I said I would if I could. So that’s how it came about that. Every time they wanted to see Annie or examine her, I went into the cage first and explained and calmed her down and held her hand.

This is how they discovered that Annie was almost blind.”

After they’d been working with her for about a year—and it was tough sledding with Annie—the Perkins institute for the Blind opened its doors. They were able to help her and she went on to study and she became a teacher herself.

Annie came back to the Tewksbury Institute to visit, and to see what she could do to help out. At first, the Director didn’t say anything and then he thought about a letter he’d just received. A man had written to him about his daughter. She was absolutely unruly—almost like an animal. She was blind and deaf as well as ‘deranged.’

He was at his wit’s end, but he didn’t want to put her in an asylum. So he wrote to the Institute to ask if they knew of anyone who would come to his house and work with his daughter.

And that is how Annie Sullivan became the lifelong companion of Helen Keller.

Helen Keller (left) in 1899 with lifelong companion and teacher Anne Sullivan (right).
Photo taken by Alexander Graham Bell at his School of Vocal Physiology and Mechanics of Speech.

When Helen Keller received the Nobel Prize, she was asked who had the greatest impact on her life and she said, “Annie Sullivan.”

But Annie said, “No Helen. The woman who had the greatest influence on both our lives was a floor maid at the Tewksbury Institute.”

You never know ….that your little act of kindness may spark a wildfire of love!!
Never miss a chance!!