People-Pleasing Addiction

Nobody wants to make enemies or sour relationships with others. And hence for most of us, saying “no” becomes extremely difficult. At times, it is even at the cost of our own peace of mind. Helping those you care about is definitely not the issue. However changing who you are and loosing yourself just to please someone else is not acceptable as it only ends up with you being miserable.

Changing the way we talk or deal with people, or changing the way we dress or changing your attitude towards others are some of the ways in which we lose our identity just to please others. We put on a shell of who we aren’t, adapt our lifestyle and so much more just to feel accepted and please our friends.

Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind

Dr. Seuss

One thing I’ve realised from experience is that those who matter will always stick around and love you the most when you are true to yourself. We will encounter all kinds, those who take advantage of our good intentions, those who mock us, even body-shame us, those who push and bully you into doing things you may not like.

I remember these lines from an open letter shared on someone’s blog on New Year’s Day.

  1. Don’t lose yourself trying to catch up or fit into a clique of people.
  2. Don’t lose yourself trying to impress everyone on social media or trying to be someone else.
  3. Don’t lose yourself by running the rat race.
  4. Don’t crucify or sabotage yourself trying to belong or live in a particular area of the city.
  5. Don’t lose yourself in your fears.
  6. Don’t be the only one trying to fix things.
  7. Don’t lose yourself trying to prove yourself.
  8. Don’t love your relationship more than you love yourself.
  9. Don’t give out your heart without leaving none for yourself.
  10. Don’t live another moment of your life allowing fear to dictate who you are and what you can do. 

Pretty powerful right? I call these the 10 Don’ts! At the end of the day, nobody is worth losing yourself over!

My Fishy Formula to Shine – 3 P

Sometimes we wonder how some people seem to be at the right place and the right time and have all the luck. I do not believe in luck as there is a lot more than what we hear of these “success stories”. As the quote implies, it is pointless having a great car that is stuck in the garage collecting dust! Each of us is blessed with a special set of skills. But how do we shine after we identify what we love doing?

I come from the coastal state of Goa and I love fish! So here is my fishy formula to shine

You cannot catch a fish without being near the water.

Proximity to opportunities is the first element. Once you know what you are good at, then putting yourself at the right place and time by figuring out the areas relevant to your skillset is key. For example, a lot of leaders in our IT world have adapted to new and emerging technologies, kept themselves relevant.

The fish not caught on the first try is larger when finally caught.

Practice, practice, practice. That is the only consistent factor in all who seem to have gotten lucky! Whether it’s sports or any other field. You have to keep at it till you make it. As you keep practicing and polishing yourself, you get better and better.

If you do not fish often, the fish have little chance to bite.

Persistence is the third factor. Sadly a lot of us give up too easily. Being in the right place at the right time involves being in many places at different times. I remember giving so many interviews when I was looking for a change after 7 wonderful years at a startup. The number of rejections got to me at one point as no company seemed interested in someone coming from a startup. But if I had to give up, I wouldn’t have got the call telling me that I have got through!

To sum it up, my fishy formula for getting lucky is Proximity, Practice and Persistence! :)

Heal-thy

As we grow older, as we continue to go through the ups and downs of life, the number of not-so-good experiences go up. And life has a way of triggering these memories, reminding us of these parts of life that we’d rather not talk about.

Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it.

The Lion King

We all know we can’t change the past and yet if we don’t deal with these negative/painful memories, they will continue to rob us of our present and future. You can either deal with it, let go OR suppress them till they come up again and again and again. Both are conscious decisions, it is up to you!

In addition to not changing the past here are a few other points that won’t help:

  • Make yourself forget your past (impossible unless you actually lose your memory!)
  • Suppress or stuff your feelings (creates other problems…)
  • Hope and wait for an apology (why postpone your happiness???)
  • Wallow endlessly in your misery (ah so painful)

The one thing that made sense to me is that our memories are not the problem. Our emotional response in the present to our past is what causes us pain. It is ok to have made mistakes, it is okay to have made the same mistake ten times! Accept it, forgive yourself and others if needed and move on!

Oh and this is not easy at all. The amount of time and effort it takes to move is is proportional to how badly the experience scarred you. We need to heal to be heal-thy!

Heal-

       thy life

Heal-

        thy soul, body, mind 

AuLogica

Closed Doors

I’ve never believed in coincidences. Nothing happens just like that or for no reason. We may not understand why, we may not be aware of how circumstances brought us to where we are today. But I do believe in divine providence, God is constantly at work striving to make the best of our choices.

Often when things don’t go our way, we end up wondering where is God, why did He close that door for me. I read this lovely line sometime back

If God didn’t close doors, we wouldn’t know which ones to go through.

So true right? I’ve been in situations where I was struggling to decide between multiple options and then magically things didn’t work out with one or two of them and my choice became so much easier.

While we struggle looking at closed doors today, let’s wait and trust in His timing. This lovely song from the musical Joseph The Dreamer

When doubts and disappointments hide the morning sun
When all my dreams have ended, all my song are sung,
his spirit soars within me, every doubt is gone,
I see a new horizon, and sing a brand new song. . .
For in this perfect timing, up ahead the light is shining
and I know the dawn will be arriving very soon

When God closes the door he opens a window, a window
He opens a window so I can see
He’s working it out
the very best for (The very best for me) me
He opens a window just just for me

In every road I travel leads back to where I’ve been
When fears about tomorrow settle deep within
He gives me new direction and takes the fears away
He opens up the future and brings a brand new day
New day . . .

For in this perfect timing up ahead the light is shining
and I know the dawn will be arriving very soon
When God closes the door he opens a window(a window)
He opens a window so I can see
He’s working it out the very best for (The very best for me) me
He opens a window just for me

Materialism

Anything in excess is bad. Materialism, afflicting both, the rich and the poor, is in every way self-destructive. There is a strong relation between being materialistic and feeling empty, unhappy. We have a real problem on our hand when we couple materialism with our fintech boom, where you can easily get a loan with a few taps on your bank’s mobile app. A study showed that millenials today are more likely to take loans to pay for holidays.

Indulgence is not a problem in itself. Also borrowing is not a problem. But when indulgence and borrowing lead to other areas of our life getting affected and we are unable to repay loans, that’s when things start going haywire. Living beyond our means, spending when we don’t have a job that pays for what we splurge on, are often to maintain a facade of “I am doing well in life” to our friends and family.

What happens next is we fall into the vicious cycle of getting more and more things…I recall this funny video I saw sometime back which illustrates exactly what happens when we can keep wanting more.

Our worth is not determined by what we have, our worth is not determined by what we wear, our worth is not determined by the car or bike we drive. Do we really need 20 T-shirts or 10 pairs of shoes or the latest iPhone or the new Play Station?

Is my happiness REALLY going to increase in the long term after buying this new thing?

Three valuable pieces of advice I am grateful for and thankfully these were given to me just as I was about to start working.

  1. Put at least half of your salary into savings – fixed deposits, mutual funds, ppf etc.
  2. Don’t buy things when you are emotional
  3. When you want to buy something:
    • Check if you really need it
    • Wait a week
    • If you still want it in a week, check your budget
    • If you have the budget, then you are good to go

Honestly I find it very difficult to track my spending and keep a budget. I have explored a lot of the apps that are supposed to make this easy. However, the one thing I do is to ensure my SIPs are setup correctly and my utility bills are paid at the start of the month so that I don’t have to worry about having enough to save.

At the end of the day, the key is finding balance between appreciating what you have and only getting what you really need. Let’s strive to work on achieving happiness from deep within, completely independent from what we own!

Joy vs Happiness

I was always confused about the difference between joy and happiness. Some say that joy is just a state of mind which is focused on seeking positivity, pleasant experiences, positive thoughts while happiness is based on circumstances, external factors. As I see it, joy is something deeper, something more profound. Joy brings you comfort and peace no matter what the circumstance. Hence joy is a feeling that can be shared with other emotions like grief, fear, sadness. The difference between joy and happiness lives in the mind and heart. But more importantly, joy is a choice.

  • Joy is in the heart. Happiness is on the face.
  • Joy is of the soul. Happiness is of the moment.
  • Joy transcends. Happiness reacts.
  • Joy embraces peace and contentment, waiting to be discovered.
  • Joy runs deep and overflows, while happiness hugs hello.
  • Joy is a practice and a behavior. It’s deliberate and intentional. Happiness comes and goes blithely along its way.
  • Joy is profound and Scriptural. “Don’t worry, rejoice.” Happiness is a balm. “Don’t worry, be happy.”
  • Joy is an inner feeling. Happiness is an outward expression.
  • Joy endures hardship and trials and connects with meaning and purpose.
  • A person pursues happiness but chooses joy.

I read somewhere that choosing joy is like choosing love. It’s not something done once and forgotten. Choosing is a habit. Many times a day, each and every day, married couples overlook the imperfections of their spouses. They choose to see beyond the particular circumstances of a moment and extend grace to one another. Similarly, choosing joy requires us to look beyond our immediate circumstance to connect with a bigger picture. Joy requires connection.

Choosing joy begins with being grateful. Starting your day with gratitude will make a big difference to how your day goes. And ending your day with gratitude for all that has happened will give you a good nights sleep!

Joy is contagious, as we exude more joy, all those we encounter will also be touched by our joyful heart. Are you ready to make choosing joy a fantabulous habit? :)

Look forward

Have you seen the movie “Up”? It is a story is based on a man who can’t let go of his past. For most of the movie, Carl Frederickson clings to his past with his wife who had recently passed away. He is obssessed with taking Ellie, his wife, to Paradise falls, their dream destination. Ultimately Carl realises that he can’t get Ellie back and that it is time to move on and look ahead to a future that holds new possibilities.

We all have something in our past that is very difficult to let go of. It could be past relationships, mistakes. Yes, it is important to learn from the past, learn from our mistakes. Also equally important is to accept what has happened, be grateful for all the experiences we’ve had in the past, the good as well as the not so good. Each experience has taught us something, each experience has helped us grow. And where necessary, forgive yourself for some of the bad choices you’ve made. It’s ok, we all make mistakes.

We can shape our future, we have control over our choices, our actions. If we get caught up in our past, we will miss out on our present, the opportunities at hand. Your best days are ahead of you.

There’s this beautiful analogy of the car where we have both, the windshield as well as a rearview mirror. The windshield helps you to see what is ahead of you and the rearview mirror helps you to see what’s behind you. When we want to move ahead, we focus on the road ahead by looking through the windshield, and if we do need to reverse, then we keep our focus on the rearview mirror. What would happen if we keep our focus on the rearview mirror while driving ahead? Absolute recipe for disaster right?

Here’s a lovely poem by Lenora McWhorter

Look not back on yesterday
or what you have left behind.
For only today is yours to claim, 
and this moment only is your time.

Fret not on what has been
or on what has passed you by.
Yesterday is far behind you.
You can’t change it if you try.

New opportunities await you.
They come with each new day,
so look ahead with faith and hope,
and blessings will come your way.

Keep faith alive in your heart.
Live full and live well each day.
Do all the good for all you can
to all those who pass your way.

Yesterday is out of your reach
and tomorrow is not yours to claim.
Only this moment belongs to you.
So use it wisely, in heaven’s name.

Taking the Leap

Here’s a lovely story on dealing with obstacles.

Two students were asked to meet their teacher at the start of a track through the forest.

He gave them instructions to follow the path to its conclusion, in preparation for a test later in the week. 

The path had two sides, one side was clear and smooth, the other side had fallen logs and other obstacles in the way.

One student chose to avoid the obstacles, running around them and taking the easiest path to the end.  He felt clever as he dodged through without hindrance.

The second student chose to tackle the obstacles, battling through every challenge in his path.

The student who chose the easy path finished first and felt proud of himself.  “I’m glad that I chose to avoid the boulders and logs, they were only there to slow me down,” he thought to himself.

The second student arrived at the finish feeling tired and regretting the path that he had chosen.

The teacher nodded and smiled at them both.  He requested that they join him at a specific location in three days.

When they arrived, they could see that there was a ravine that was a few metres wide.

The students looked at their teacher and he said just one word.

“Jump!”

The first student looked at the distance and his heart sank. 

The teacher looked at him.

“What’s wrong?  This is the leap to greatness.  Everything that you have done until now should have prepared you for this moment.”

The student shrugged his shoulders and walked away, knowing that he hadn’t prepared adequately for greatness.

The second student looked at the teacher and smiled nervously. 

He knew now that the obstacles that had been placed in his path were part of his preparation. 

He knew now that by choosing to overcome challenges, not avoid them, he was ready to make the leap.

He measured his run up, sprinted towards the ravine and launched himself into the air. 

He made it!

If you too want to make the leap to greatness, you must first understand that life is meant to be a series of challenges that we overcome, not avoid.

The messiness,  the difficult conversations, the hard work, the discipline, acting boldly when you don’t feel like it.  That’s part of the deal.

Don’t pray that God will remove the obstacles, pray that he will give you the strength to overcome them.

And then take the leap!

Fill the Gap

When I read this post, I was taken back to my younger days. My dad passed away when I was three and growing up with a single working parent isn’t all that easy. There are so so many people who went out of their way to “fill the gap”, who were there for us. Family and friends were always around to support my mummy.

I’ve always believed that ALL human beings are fundamentally loving and good, and we will always care for each other.

When I was down with covid in April, our neighbours, immediately came to our aid and went out of their way to help us with groceries and anything else we needed.

Here’s a lovely poem which I had saved. I’m not sure who the poet is…

You’re never alone, I’m always near,
When you’re troubled, down or blue.
All you have to do is call me,
I’m always here for you.

It doesn’t matter where I’m at,
It doesn’t matter when.
When you need someone to talk to,
I’m here to be your friend.

If you need someone to hold your hand,
or a hug to say I care.
If you need a shoulder to cry on,
for you I will be there.

So never think you are a burden,
when the weight gets to be to much.
You might find if look hard enough,
a good friend could be the right touch.

Let’s keep filling the gap, much needed during these difficult times! ❤️

No More Excuses

At some point, most of us have gotten fed-up of hearing the phrase “Follow your passion”. But the question is are you following your passion today? Research shows that only 20% of full-time employees are truly passionate about their jobs.

Some individuals happen to be in the right place at the right time, while others encounter career-killing pitfalls. There’s no way of knowing which direction your career will take. And while you can’t dictate everything, you can control certain aspects.

Here are some common excuses we hear:

  1. I don’t have the time
  2. I don’t have the resources
  3. I’m too old/young
  4. I don’t know enough right now
  5. I might fail

If Steve Jobs would’ve waited to have it all figured out before he invented the personal computer, nothing would’ve been done. If Mark Zuckerberg felt the need to graduate from college before launching Facebook, the social network may not exist today. Do you think these guys had it all figured out when they started chasing their dreams? The answer is no.

One key aspect that I have learned is that pursuing your passion doesn’t mean doing what is fun or what brings us joy. But rather, it is about doing what you care about. The distinction is subtle, but very meaningful. Focusing on what you care about aligns your passion with your values and the impact you want to have. This also makes you more resilient and helps you persevere through the hardships, helps you weather the storms that come your way.

The German word for passion, “Leidenschaft,” literally translates to “the ability to hardship.” If you’re passionate about something in Germanic cultures, you don’t necessarily enjoy it. Leidenschaft is about knowing the pursuit will be unpleasant but tolerating it because the outcome is worth the cost. 

In Eastern Europe, passion can also be understood as cierpienie (which roughly translates to “suffering” in Polish). It’s a word that describes having a calling, but without any implications of deriving pleasure. You have no choice but to endure it, even when the outcome is not necessarily positive. 

The reality is that passion wanes over time, so if you just focus on following happiness, you might not stick with an endeavor like you would if you focused on how it helps you achieve what you care most about. When you’re pursuing your passion, it’s important to bear in mind that resilience is key, because the pursuit of passion is an ongoing—and challenging—process.

Here’s an awesome video to motivate you, to fire you up! No more excuses!