Kenrick Vaz

Wants vs Needs – Understanding Ourselves Better

Wants and needs are two words whose meaning we clearly understand and also conveniently interchanged depending on how motivated we are to get something. Digging deeper into the interplay between these two words helps us to understand ourselves better.

Before we proceed, here is the definition of these two key words:

Want — have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for.

Need — require (something) because it is essential or very important rather than just desirable.

The distinction between the two centers on one quality — ‘essential’. How we define ‘essential’ is subjective!

There are various frameworks to help us prioritise or helps distinguish, in descending order, the ‘essential’ ’need from ‘desirable’ wants. Two popular ones are MoSCoW and the 50/30/20 budgeting rule.

The one that I really like is the 2×2 grid.

Low Want / Low Need
We start at the bottom left which I term the “worst option”. Whatever you put here can be safely ignored. We tend to waste a lot of time unconsciously pursuing things we don’t really want and definitely do not need. Once you put something here, the action is to completely AVOID!

Low Want / High Need
The next two are the mirror images of each other. This one is items we don’t really want but we definitely need. We may discard an option superficially not knowing its true worth. Or indeed we may arbitrarily put off an option, despite it being essential. A typical example is a task that is boring or laborious in itself, yet is a pre-requisite for an important higher goal e.g. procrastination for going to the gym or the push to invest in mutual funds or the stock market. Once something is identified in this quadrant, the key is to remind ourselves of the higher goal at hand and prioritize accordingly.

High Want / Low Need
We usually find ourselves in this quadrant a lot. Here will lie items that we really want but not need, items that are attractive and yet superfluous. We catch ourselves asking “do I really need this?”. Once something is identified in this quadrant, we need to decipher what we really value and what we don’t.

High Want / High Need
This is the ideal scenario quadrant. Our wants and needs match up, they are aligned. At times, we may tend to disguise our wants as needs to trick ourselves into justifying items here. Items that you put here really need a lot of thought to truly assess if our wants are truly our needs.

Once you become better at differentiating between wants and needs, you’ll probably see that you’ve been able to fulfill more of your desires over the years than you realized. At the end of the day, we need to be grateful for what we have and appreciate all that we have, even the small pleasures and treasures of life.

The 4 Cs

This is the first of 30 principles in Dale Carnegie’s classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. All of the other principles are positive: be a good listener; give honest appreciation; make the other person feel important; try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view — the list goes on. It’s interesting to note that the only principle that says, “DON’T,” also happens to be the first one.

To think of it from a different angle, if you break this first principle you’ve made it considerably more difficult to have any positive influence with the others. In other words, this is essential in building strong, enduring relationships.

Anyone can run their mouth to Criticize, Complain and Condemn. As Dale says, most fools just do that. Why foolish, you ask? What does any of those things accomplish? Does complaining get anything done? How well does the blame game work? Does blaming some one, even if rightly deserved, move anything forward? Or does it just lead to hard feelings and plotting for revenge? Does condemnation work any differently for you, or does it get about the same results?

How about criticism? How effective of a motivational tool is that? How well does it work in a meeting to have every plan torn to shreds?

The opposite of the three C’s is a fourth C, Cooperation. Instead of complaining, cooperate and help solve whatever is making you complain. Instead of condemning people for what they are doing or failing to do, offer to lend a hand to get the task completed. Instead of criticizing, offer up alternate solutions that overcome the flaws in the original plan.

Some people’s motto has often been “I don’t suffer fools, I make fools suffer!” But I have found that usually, when I follow that path, I’m the one who ends up looking like the fool, and nothing useful comes of my actions.

Treating someone badly can seriously damage a team spirit, and life is a team sport, or at least that’s how it appears to me. Yes, sometimes others will take the credit or pass the blame. Pointing it out might make you right, but it isn’t always the best play for the team.

Cooperation, without doubt, is the quickest and most efficient manner to move forward!

Some of you maybe wondering “What about constructive criticism?” Yes, there are times when it is important to let another person know that their behavior or way of doing things needs improvement. In conclusion, if the goal is build and maintain — not destroy — long-term personal and business relationships, it is probably a good idea to stay away from criticism, condemnation, and complaining.

AQ is more important than IQ?

I remember being confused what to do after my SSC board exams. That’s when my uncle and aunt from Bombay recommended meeting Fr. Terry at Xaviers where I took his IQ test which measures memory, analytical thinking and mathematical ability. This was thought of one of the best ways to predict our future job prospects.

Of late there has been a lot of attention on EQ – Emotional Quotient. This is broadly characterised as a set of interpersonal, self-regulation and communication skills and is now widely seen as a tool kit that plays an important role in helping us succeed in multiple aspects of life.

Both IQ and EQ are important, no doubt. However today as technology evolves at such a rapid pace and redefines how we work, the set of skills we need to survive in the job market are evolving too. Regardless of our career paths, technology is playing a big role in changing how we work. Technology has vastly improved how many jobs are done, and the disruption will continue. Hence we are now hearing out the Adaptability Quotient – the ability to pivot and flourish in an environment of fast and frequent change.

IQ is the minimum you need to get a job, but AQ is how you will be successful over time
Natalie Fratto

AQ is not just the capacity to absorb new information,but the ability to work out what is relevant, to unlearn obsolete knowledge, overcome challenges, and to make a conscious effort to change. AQ involves flexibility, curiosity, courage, resilience and problem-solving skills too.

Amy Edmondson, a professor of leadership and management at Harvard Business School, says it is the breakneck speed of workplace change that will make AQ more valuable than IQ. Every profession will require adaptability and flexibility, from banking to the arts. Say you are an accountant. Your IQ gets you through the examinations to become qualified, then your EQ helps you connect with an interviewer, land a job and develop relationships with clients and colleagues. Then, when systems change or aspects of work are automated, you need AQ to accommodate this innovation and adapt to new ways of performing your role. As we see, all three quotients are complementary, but no AQ would leave you struggling to embrace new ways of working using your existing skills – and low AQ makes it harder to acquire new ones.

One thing we do know is that the workplaces of the future will operate differently. We may not all be comfortable with the pace of change – but we can prepare. As Edmondson says: “Learning to learn is mission critical. The ability to learn, change, grow, experiment will become far more important than subject expertise.”

Mind over Medal

The last couple of months has seen two athletes, who at the peak of their careers, are redefining the narrative of mental health and showing us that it’s okay not to be okay. It started with Naomi Osaka chosing to skip her press conference at the French Open to take time to focus on her self-care and look after her mental health. Many saw this as an act of defiance breaking with a longstanding tradition. The other is Simone Biles who withdrew from several gymnastic events during the ongoing Tokyo Olympic Games to tend to her mental health challenges as well as grieve due to a recent family tragedy.

Simone Biles (left) withdrew from the women’s team gymnastics final on Tuesday, citing mental health concerns; Naomi Osaka said her mental health break contributed to her Olympics loss. Source: Guardian/Reuters/Getty Images

Highly trained athletes who can do amazing feats in their respective sports deal with the same vulnerability and fragility as the rest of us. They are just as human as us. We often tend to deify athletes and we hold them to a higher standard. When they rise to the occasion under difficult conditions, we say they are mentally tough — and we applaud them. But if they should fail to deliver an expected performance, we assume they have choked. None of us watching the Olympics or any other sport for that matter can ever truly know what other additional or personal problems an athlete may be facing. And that goes for everyone we encounter in our daily lives as well!

Back in the days, it was easy for us to shut out the world and go into our shells. In today’s world with social media, it is very challenging. And hence it is so important to take whatever steps we need to keep our peace of mind.

Let it go, Change the channel, Turn it off,
Unsubscribe, Unfriend, Unfollow,
Mute, Block, Walk away,
Breathe!

Be a Rhino

We all have dealt with procrastination at some point in our life, all too familiar with that feeling of knowing you need to get something done but somehow not being able to do it. It may be something important that pressurises you into completing it at the last minute or many a times we don’t get to finishing it. When we procrastinate, we squander away our free time and put off important tasks we should be doing until it’s too late. And when it is indeed too late, we panic and wish we got started earlier.

In his book “Rhinoceros Success”, Scott Alexander outlines the differences between being a cow and being a rhino. According to him we are one or the other. Our society encourages us to be cows, but if you really want to stand out and have a life of success you need to become a rhino! This book challenges me to get out of my comfort zone, and charge down the goals I have and the opportunities that I am presented with.

5 Characteristics of Living Like a Rhinoceros

Rhinos Charge Early. Rhinos don’t sleep in late, or hit the snooze button. They jump out of bed when their “opportunity clock” sounds and charge into their day with excitement.
Rhinos Charge Massively After One Thing. Rhinos know the importance of changing, it is what they were made for. And how do they charge? Massively! They charge down the big goals and opportunities. They also make sure that they are only charging down one opportunity at a time. You can’t effectively charge in 2 directions. They pick one and charge at it with everything they have, then they move on to the next.
Rhinos Believe in Themselves. Rhinos believe that success is theirs for the taking. They expect success, and therefore they create success.
Rhinos Put Themselves Through Training. To achieve rhinoceros levels of success you have to be prepared for it. Mentally and physically. Rhinos read good books, surround themselves with good people, get enough sleep, eat good foods, and workout.
Rhinos Plan For Success. Rhinos have goals. And more importantly they create plans for achieving those goals. Once they have a plan in place they charge down everything on that plan.
Rhinos Are Audacious. What is there to be afraid of as a six thousand pound animal with a horn on the front of your head? Nothing! Rhinos are daring, adventurous, and bold. They believe in the saying “go for it!”
Rhinos Never Give Up. No matter how tough the journey is, Rhinos keep charging. They may slip and fall, but they will get back up and charge even harder. Nothing will stop them from charging down their opportunity.
Rhinos Like But Don’t Love Money. Money is great and rhinos will chase down as much of it as they can. However, rhinos don’t love money. They approach gathering money as a hobby, rather than a job. They are also very generous with their money. But every rhino knows that to be successful with money they must pay themselves first.
Rhinos Balance Work and Family. Many even try to combine the two by involving their family in their work. After all, a rhino doesn’t do work that is boring, rhinos do work that is more like a hobby. They understand that you need to love what you do to be successful. There is no better way to love the work that you do than by involving those that you love in your work!
Rhinos Embrace Problems. In fact rhinos love problems. Problems are a sign that you are making progress. If you don’t have any problems it means that you are not taking any action on your goals.

What do you think? Can you picture yourself as a six thousand pound rhino? You have to choose if you want to be a rhinoceros, or a cow. You can’t waffle back and forth. Make the decision today!

Decide today to become a rhino, start where you are, use what you have, do what you can and make the rest of your life the best of your life!

Here’s a link to the book on Amazon: Rhinoceros Success: The Secret to Charging Full Speed Toward Every Opportunity

Keep Trying

When four-time Olympic gold medal winner Sanya Richards-Ross said, “Failure I can live with; not trying is what I can’t handle”, she really meant it. Despite her extraordinary sporting accomplishments, the athletics star knows exactly what she is talking about, having gone through enough failure and heartache to sink all but the very strongest.

“There are no successful people on the planet who have not experienced failure,” Richards-Ross explained. “I always tell young people that failure is a necessary ingredient in the recipe for success. I say, ‘Hey, I failed on the biggest stage, but I came back and then victory was that much sweeter’.”

That failure came for Sanya at the Beijing Olympics. Unbeaten all year, the then 23-year-old was a nailed-on certainty for individual gold. But, having run the fastest time in qualification, Richards-Ross got chased down the home straight in the final and overtaken by both Great Britain’s Christine Ohuruogu and Jamaica’s Shericka Williams.

Richards-Ross was carrying a heart-breaking, secret burden, having had an abortion just days before travelling to China.

“It was really, really, really hard,” Richards-Ross recalled. “For me it was more of a spiritual thing than physical because I never wanted to be in a position to have an abortion. It was more the emotional wear on me than the physical. I was still physically prepared to run fast.”

The fact that she told no one – even her coach was in the dark – added to the incredible weight on her shoulders. But in the months after Beijing, Richards-Ross returned to the mantra her father had first taught her in high school, and the athlete in her resolved to “keep trying”.

“I say, ‘fail forwards’. Yes, you are going to fail, but what can you learn from it that is going to push you one step closer to your goal?” Richards-Ross said. “It is about not letting failure stop you in your tracks and stop you achieving your goals. When you are doing well you never adjust or revaluate, most of the time you don’t get better. It is when you fail it’s like, ‘OK, what can I be doing differently to get to the next level?’.”

Olympic redemption came in 2012 at the London Games when Richards-Ross, trying again, faced down her demons.

“People watch the video and it wasn’t one of my best races,” she laughed. I was just like, ‘I am going to win, I am not going to try and do anything special’. She won, and she finally got to celebrate the ultimate title in her sport.

Despite dealing with an ongoing, serious foot injury throughout the final few years of her career, Sanya was never going to leave the sport without a fight and was focused on defending her Olympic title. You will not be surprised to hear that she did everything possible to be on the start line in Rio de Janeiro in 2016, despite her increasing physical limitations.

“I had a third surgery, I trained alongside my physio so I could be getting treatment every day while I was working out, I did it all,” Richards-Ross said with a smile. “I ran around the track at the Olympic trials but I wasn’t able to finish the race and I hung my head low for a minute, and then this woman shouted out, ‘We love you, Sanya’ and it brought me back to the moment and I was, ‘Oh my God, this might be the last race of my career’ and so I gave everything I had to finish.”

She received a standing ovation from everyone at the track that day as she smiled through the pain of a career-ending tear to her right hamstring. And that, despite all the medals, is the moment that sticks with her.

“Even though I had so many experiences throughout my career, that race, even though I didn’t win, that depicts that saying for me,” she said. “I could live with the fact I didn’t make it because I tried, I gave everything I had.”

Citius – Altius – Fortius

The original Olympic motto “Citius, Altius, Fortius” which means “Faster, Higher, Stronger” was adopted with the launch of the Olympic Movement in 1894 at the urging of founder Pierre de Coubertin, who wanted a slogan that expressed excellence in sport. These three words were meant to encourage athletes to give their best during competition. Pierre de Coubertin proposed the motto, having borrowed it from his friend Henri Didon, a Dominican priest who taught sport close to Paris.

The motto can be compared to the Olympic creed which says: “The important thing in life is not the triumph, but the fight; the essential thing is not to have won, but to have fought well.” The inspiration for the creed would come later, following a sermon given by the Bishop of Pennsylvania, Ethelbert Talbot, during the Games of London in 1908.

The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not winning but taking part.
Pierre de Coubertin, (founder of the modern Olympic Games)

As Bronte Barratt says, the motto isn’t fastest, highest, strongest. All progress has emanated from the desire to improve, to be BETTER. Records will be broken, human potential will be stretched to the limits and athletes will do BETTER than ever before despite social, political and human setbacks. The same applies to any field in life. Whatever we achieve today, whatever records be set in the Tokyo Olympics, at some point, someone will surpass them.

While each of the athletes, competing at this Olympics are there to win, they also know that only a few of them will. Likewise for us, not all of us can achieve the great heights of glory and professional success that we look to with envy in others. We won’t all be CEO’s or have our business listed on the Fortune 500. We won’t all be hailed as heroes, geniuses or trail-blazers and accorded the status that goes with it. But what gets in the way of most people ever having a chance of achieving the success they are capable of, is not a lack of luck or talent, but simply a lack of courage and determination to pursue it.

It’s not the triumph that ultimately defines who we are, but our willingness to work hard toward a goal that is bigger than we are, knowing that as we do, we will discover just how capable we truly are and attain our own personal best. After all, isn’t that ultimately what the true Olympic spirit is about?

If a legally blind archer can set a new world record, then what excuse do any of us have for not achieving more?

Silver Linings

As we near the end of the Tokyo Olympics, this quote by Michelle Kwan got me thinking on the whole idea of winning and losing. Nobody participating at the highest level, strives to win the silver or bronze. Every single athlete prepares and yearns to win the gold. But at the end of the day, there is only one winner. Nothing else matters as long as you’ve done your best, you know you’ve done all you could possibly do!

A few years back, PV Sindhu kept getting a lot of flack for losing at the finals. With the label of being a failure in the final stages being stamped on her, Sindhu hit back at her critics saying it isn’t the gold medal that she lost in the World Championships but a second consecutive silver that she won. Here’s Sindhu’s hard-hitting Instagram post:

“Never give up, never give in, and when the upper hand is ours, may we have the ability to handle the win with the dignity that we absorbed the loss” – dough Williams It brings me immense amount of pleasure to bring back the silver consecutively 2nd year in the BWF world championships. I didn’t lose the gold , I won the silver and I can proudly say my silver sparkles. It was indeed a wonderfull week in Nanjing, inspite of losing in the finals I had some great matches. I have been really happy about my consistent performance over the rankings. I believe that patience and persistence make unbeatable combination for success, hence have complete faith that my gold shall come soon!! It’s amazing how I have received so much love and support from people all around the world, and that keeps me going! And finally I want to thank my amazing team, who have stood by me like a pillar throughout the tournament and also thanks to all my sponsors @olympicgoldquest @baselineventures whose been supporting me and a special thanks to my Physio @physio.shetty whos always been waiting to treat meand take care of me when ever i want to n always being there for me n finally thanks to all my coaches who helped me in and out and also been so kind always….”

While the world would always perceive the No.2 as more of not being No 1, it is important to celebrate being on that podium and the journey made to get there. An episode titled, ‘The Silver Lining’ of the fantastic podcast ‘The Happiness Lab with Laurie Santos’, discusses the human biases of focusing on positive references, harsh comparison with others and focusing on the destination rather than the journey. The discussion is with Michelle Kwan – the Olympic silver medalist ice skater. The episode discusses the possibility that like the silver medalists in sports, we make the same mistakes in life too, which eventually sets us up for sadness rather than celebration.

How did Michelle Kwan break out of the gloom of missing the Gold medal?

It was by setting up a negative reference – she compared her winning the silver medal with that of winning the bronze medal, next she stopped comparing her performance with others and rather compared it with her own older self and lastly, she focused on enjoying the journey to that medal more than the colour of it.

As we strive to be the best in our own respective fields, let us strive to do our best, enjoy the journey and find the silver lining at every moment!

The Masks We Wear

Often in life we don’t get to see what lies beneath a person’s “good self” presentation, also called a mask. We don’t get to find out if that person really is kind, caring, or not. The discrepancy is often hidden. And that is true for ourselves as well. We all put on masks to some extent for various reasons with different people to help get us through a variety of situations.

Eventually, though, what we’ve hidden beneath our mask does manage to find its way into the open. It may slip through the mask in words we mean, but didn’t mean to say; in actions we’d like to take, but didn’t mean to act out; in actions we don’t take, but want to.

The Japanese say that you have three faces:

1. The first face, you show to the world.

2. The second face, you show to your close friends and your family.

3. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.

Why do we do this? Could it be that we have an absolute fear that if others saw us for who we believe we truly are, that they wouldn’t like or accept us? How many of us go through life thinking that we are not good enough, bright enough, interesting enough…. fearful of the opinions of others if they were to actually see the “Real” you? The ‘you’ who tries to hide all of this behind a mask. And, there is not just one mask, we have many of them – interchangeable ones, depending on the situation. The ‘you’ who bows to societal / family pressures and expectations for fear of being judged. But then, whose life are you living? Faking it is tiring. Living a life that is at odds with your authentic self will eventually wear you down.

Once you are Real, you can’t become unReal again. It lasts for always
Margery Williams – The Velveteen Rabbit

There is a beautiful children’s book called The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. It tells the story of a rabbit who becomes Real through the love of a little boy. It is a beautiful metaphor for the value of authenticity and vulnerability. It tells that we become Real through our openness. Maybe it’s time that we become Real through the love and acceptance of ourselves.

How wonderful would it be to be able to allow our authentic selves to be seen by others – to feel secure, loving and accepting enough of ourselves to allow ourselves be seen without our masks?

Friendship Requires EFFORT

As we grow older, some friendships may slowly start to diminish. It could be because you’ve started to grow apart, maybe you’ve become too different from each other. Sometimes we become extremely busy, and we don’t have as much time as we used to, to hang out with said friends. Maybe you’ve made new friends, and spend more time with them. Maybe you got into a relationship, and hang out with your significant other the most. Work often gets in the way, and then you have to struggle with handling friendships, relationships, your job, and spending time with your family all at once. It becomes too much sometimes, and maybe it’s a little overwhelming for you.

Nowadays it sometimes feels that behavior within friendships is trending more towards convenience. What is easy, readily available, and requires the least amount of effort.

We are busy today, yes? Most of us work way more than 40 hours a week, especially with email, texting, social media, and the new cultural development of being ever connected to work, even while at home. The boundary lines between work and home life, blurring and collapsing. We are pre-occupied with things like social media, networking, going to the gym, meal planning, commuting, and the schedules of one’s kids.

All this busyness though comes at a cost. That can be the neglect of and lesser engagement in relationships that are meaningful to us and which bring us joy. And this resulting, ultimately, in our losing those.

Without doubt quality friendships make our lives better by leaps and bounds. They lower our levels of stress, help us to feel supported and loved in both challenging times and otherwise, they offer life insight and learning potential to our lives, a sense of inspiration, as well as joy and laughter.

The keyword is quality, because shallow friendships, those that serve as fillers and mere placeholders against loneliness, the ones which still leave you a bit wanting, these do not provide the same emotional benefits.

However, emotionally close, high-quality friendships take effort. You cannot go to the gym, spend hours working hard to get fit, and then stop going while assuming to maintain the same level of strength and fitness. Your muscles will atrophy and diminish. You cannot grow a garden and then cease watering it. The flowers will wither and die. Friendship fits nicely with these metaphors.

Keeping great friends takes effort, though it’s of the most worthwhile kind. Without it, your friendship, even the best ones, they will not last.

Do not make the mistake of letting this happen, one that is sure to elicit later regret.

Go out of your way today, even if just a little bit, in order to hold onto and maintain those treasured connections that you hold dear. The ones that you know are worthwhile and that you wish to keep in your life over the long-run.

You will be thankful for having done so over the big picture of your life.

I’ve been blest with lovely friends. At my previous company, I had fantastic friends in my team. Sang this for them on my last day :)