Friendship Requires EFFORT

As we grow older, some friendships may slowly start to diminish. It could be because you’ve started to grow apart, maybe you’ve become too different from each other. Sometimes we become extremely busy, and we don’t have as much time as we used to, to hang out with said friends. Maybe you’ve made new friends, and spend more time with them. Maybe you got into a relationship, and hang out with your significant other the most. Work often gets in the way, and then you have to struggle with handling friendships, relationships, your job, and spending time with your family all at once. It becomes too much sometimes, and maybe it’s a little overwhelming for you.

Nowadays it sometimes feels that behavior within friendships is trending more towards convenience. What is easy, readily available, and requires the least amount of effort.

We are busy today, yes? Most of us work way more than 40 hours a week, especially with email, texting, social media, and the new cultural development of being ever connected to work, even while at home. The boundary lines between work and home life, blurring and collapsing. We are pre-occupied with things like social media, networking, going to the gym, meal planning, commuting, and the schedules of one’s kids.

All this busyness though comes at a cost. That can be the neglect of and lesser engagement in relationships that are meaningful to us and which bring us joy. And this resulting, ultimately, in our losing those.

Without doubt quality friendships make our lives better by leaps and bounds. They lower our levels of stress, help us to feel supported and loved in both challenging times and otherwise, they offer life insight and learning potential to our lives, a sense of inspiration, as well as joy and laughter.

The keyword is quality, because shallow friendships, those that serve as fillers and mere placeholders against loneliness, the ones which still leave you a bit wanting, these do not provide the same emotional benefits.

However, emotionally close, high-quality friendships take effort. You cannot go to the gym, spend hours working hard to get fit, and then stop going while assuming to maintain the same level of strength and fitness. Your muscles will atrophy and diminish. You cannot grow a garden and then cease watering it. The flowers will wither and die. Friendship fits nicely with these metaphors.

Keeping great friends takes effort, though it’s of the most worthwhile kind. Without it, your friendship, even the best ones, they will not last.

Do not make the mistake of letting this happen, one that is sure to elicit later regret.

Go out of your way today, even if just a little bit, in order to hold onto and maintain those treasured connections that you hold dear. The ones that you know are worthwhile and that you wish to keep in your life over the long-run.

You will be thankful for having done so over the big picture of your life.

I’ve been blest with lovely friends. At my previous company, I had fantastic friends in my team. Sang this for them on my last day :)

MAGIS

Today is the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola, the founder of the Jesuits. All my education was at Jesuit institutions – St. Britto’s High School (Goa), St. Xavier’s College (Bombay) and Xavier Institute of Engineering (Bombay). Every year, 31 July was celebrated with a lot of festivities and we kept hearing about the life of St. Ignatius of Loyola.

St. Ignatius of Loyola was born in 1491 in the Basque country of northern Spain. He was devoted to chivalry and suffered a severe leg wound in battle. During an extended recovery period, he experienced a profound conversion, and devoted the rest of his life to serving God. Ignatius died in 1556 and was canonized a saint in 1622.

All of us who have studied in Jesuit institutions will find some, if not all, of the following characteristics very familiar

source: Creighton University website

The one that inspired me the most is Magis which translates to “more.” By rising above expectations and striving for “more,” for others and for God, we can serve as a lasting part of something greater than ourselves. The key part is that Magis is not for self but for others. So it is not doing more or all you can to get the highest paying job in your batch or to get that promotion that you and your team are aspiring for. It doesn’t mean simply quantity, but quality, how effective or transformative our actions and words are. It isn’t striving to be the best and greatest. These kinds of superlatives can paralyze us, because who can tell or judge what the “best and greatest”?

Chris Lowney in his book Heroic Leadership: Best Practices from a 450-Year-Old Company That Changed the World, exposes the key to successful leadership based in the Jesuit magis

Magis-driven leadership inevitably leads to heroism. Heroism begins with each person considering, internalizing, and shaping his or her mission. Whether one works within a large organization or alone, no mission is motivating until it is personal. And it is sustainable only when one makes the search for magis a reflexive, daily habit. A magis-driven leader is not content to go through the motions or settle for the status quo but is restlessly inclined to look for something more, something greater. Instead of wishing circumstances were different, magis-driven leaders either make them different or make the most of them. Instead of waiting for golden opportunities, they find the gold in the opportunities at hand.

Here’s Fr. Roy singing “Noble Knight” also known as the “March of St. Ignatius” which is always sung on 31st July, the Feast Day of St. Ignatius either as the Final hymn at Mass or as part of the Cultural Program held at various Jesuit Schools and Universities across the world.

Wishing you all a Happy Feast! :)

Are you in the Balcony or the Basement?

Most people have plans to accomplish good things in life. Of course there are some exceptions who focus on violence, hatred and other related stuff. Our kids and colleagues may at times disappoint us or even make us boiling mad. It’s at time like this that we tend to start thinking the worst of them and say words which we later regret. Instead of getting worked up, it may help to take a step back and pay attention to why they have behaved in that way. Talking to them to understand why will help us in a big way.

If we take man as he is, we make him worse. If we take man as he should be, we make him capable of what he can be.

Viktor Frankl

Joyce Landorf Heatherley talks about two kinds of people in her book Balcony People. Some people are in the “balcony” of your life, cheering you on, energizing you with their affirmation. Others are in your “basement” doing exactly the opposite. Basement people evaluate others. With their critical judgments of people’s words and actions, they tear away at others’ souls. They make people feel like they are being compared to some unspoken ideal or standard.

In 1975, a young man who was struggling with what to do with his life returned home from college.

One afternoon, he was hanging out at his mother’s beauty salon when a respected elderly woman visited the shop.

She took her seat, saw the young man and couldn’t take her eyes off him. Every time he looked in the mirror, he saw her behind him looking right at him.

The woman saw something in the teenager… something he could not yet see in himself.

Eventually, she spoke what was on her mind.

The woman said, “You know young man, you are going to travel the world and speak or preach to millions of people.”

Then, she wrote those words on a blue envelope and handed it to him.
Her words spoke to his troubled heart, so he graciously accepted the envelope and signed it. Then, he put it in his wallet so he could carry it with him.

Today, Denzel Washington is one of the biggest movie stars in Hollywood.

In an article published in February 2017, Denzel said the woman’s words really encouraged him when he was starting out as an actor.

Believing in someone is indeed priceless!

Here’s a lovely song by Jason Mraz – Look for the good

Choices ~ Beach or Mountain?

When it comes right down to it, almost everything is a choice. Every single minute, we have choices in life. This is both a great truth and a hard lesson because it reminds us of our own power. Not power over others, but the hidden, untapped power to be our best and live out our dreams.

Future success is not the result of just one monumental decision. It is the result of a continuous series of choices every day. Those choices don’t just impact the moment, they echo throughout our professional and personal lives.

Some may say that we don’t choose our circumstances. However, we have more power over circumstances than we care to admit. Even if circumstances are thrust upon us, we choose how we respond to them. Some of the most inspiring stories are of those who overcame and chose to become successful.

I absolutely love the analogy of a vacation trip which I had read sometime back, a vacation to Mallorca, Spain. Here you have beautiful beaches with the light blue sea with astonishing mountains.

Here you have two options: chill on the beach the whole day or take a trip to the mountains.

Everyone can lie on the beach right? It isn’t difficult. But going for a trek up the mountains has its own set of challenges. You may stumble onto trails that take you to lovely waterfalls, spot some lovely flowers/trees. You may also meet fellow hikers and make friends along the way. But most importantly, the view when you reach the top…ah…once you’re on the peak of the mountain you know what you’ve achieved. You have a beautiful view, and can see more than those people on the beach. You work hard to get something that is much more rewarding!

Everyone can relax on the beach, but you need to have the endurance, motivation, ambition and eagerness to get out of your comfort zone to finally live your life. It’s your choice!

Getting Past It vs Getting Even

After we’ve been hurt, betrayed or disrespected, the first thing almost all of us think of is how to get even, how to give the other a dose of their own medicine. The deeper the hurt, the more we are prone to getting lost in ways to give back. Revenge spawns an endless cycle of retribution. Even though we may feel temporarily happy, it isn’t a long term solution. It does come back to bite us!

Revenge proves its own executioner.

John Ford

Seeking revenge may remind us of the pain we experienced when we were wronged and can make an event appear even larger in our minds. Ruminating about getting even — stewing over what the person did to you and what you would like to do in return — can interfere with day-to-day well-being and happiness.

Read this quote sometime back and it made me smile…

Whilst you sit back and wait, get even with those who have been kind to you, who have always stood by you, who have been your source of strength and inspiration, who have helped you when you were helpless.

The Company We Keep

A big chunk of our present and future state of mind and being depends on the company we keep. Surround yourself with the right people and you’ll be growing phenomenally. Surround yourself with the wrong people and you’ll probably be drifting like a leaf that goes where the wind blows!

You’re the average of the five people you spend most of your time with

Jim Rohn

We often underestimate the importance of our inner circle thinking that we are clear about our goals and we rely on our will-power to stay focused on our dreams. Without a doubt, we need friends, mentors, teachers and family who keep pushing us and challenging us to be a better version of ourselves. The right company raises the bar, helping us to set new, loftier expectations of ourselves. Oftentimes, we don’t know what we are capable of until we see others achieve. When we surround ourselves with positive people they consciously and subconsciously challenge us to be our best selves.

People inspire you, or they drain you – pick them wisely.

Hans F. Hansen

Your vibe attracts your tribe. The people with whom we keep company determine the quality of our lives. They help determine how far we may go in life, the aura and attitude we will adapt, habits we may partake in, and the type of person we may (or may not) become.

Here’s a powerful motivational speech by Lewis Howes ~ Surround yourself with the dreamers!

Holding onto anger

We have a limited time here on earth. Life is too short to waste time ruminating on the past that won’t change, too short to hold onto grudges and choose to endure pain over the past you can’t change or people who you can’t force to change!

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Buddha

It hurts when someone has wronged us and we want them to acknowledge their faults and get an apology. However if that doesn’t happen, we tend to hold onto the pain and keep on focusing on the past which in turn leaves us feeling worse.

Being angry takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of our being, our energy to maintain a bad mood. So, whatever we need to do to help resentment leave won’t be as traumatic as clinging to bitterness.

Here’s a lovely story to portray what happens when we hold onto anger

The Wills, the Won’ts and the Can’ts

This quote from Disney’s “The Black Hole” has been stuck in my mind since I first heard it years ago. We won’t always fall into one of these categories, but by and large we default to one of them. And our reasons, whether we are aware of them or no, are very different from each other and they’re deeply rooted in our experiences growing up.

We respond differently when it comes to different situations in our day to day life. I may be an I will person when it comes to work, but remain an I can’t when it comes to losing weight. Or maybe I am an I won’t person when it comes to helping others at work but I am very enthusiastic and an I will person when I see an opportunity to help the less-fortunate or someone in need. There are some who start off with I won’t or I can’t but eventually land up taking it up or completing the task.

The pessimist sees difficulty in every Opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.

Winston Churchill

Optimism is very attractive as a person’s ability to see the bright side of things definitely bring a lot of happiness to all those around us. Some may call an eternal optimist naive and foolish. However balancing optimism with being realistic is probably needed. We could probably term this being a realistic optimist! This will help us be realistic in what we can’t do and what is not possible!

This reminds me of the story titled “Who’s job is it anyway?”

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

The story may be confusing but the message is clear: no one took responsibility so nothing got accomplished.

To sum it up, don’t let Anybody (or Everybody, Somebody or Nobody) stop you from giving your best! :)

Leaving Your Mark

I am not sure in what context did Elvis, the king of rock, uttered these words, but it doesn’t seem like something he’d say. It really doesn’t matter who said it, these words touched me and has left me pondering on how we leave our mark based on who we are. We leave a bit of ourselves in everything we do and these are rooted in our choices, motives, actions which are all tied up strongly with our values.

As an example let’s take Ebenezer Scrooge and Bob Cratchit in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Everything Ebenezer did left his fingerprints of greed whereas everything Bob did bore his fingerprints of compassion and duty. Similary each of us in our own stories leave our uniqe fingerprints through our actions based on our values.

All of us apply our values to our decisions every day. Most of us do it subconsciously and aren’t aware of it. If you strongly value honesty, would you do something shady at work or tell a lie just to cover up for someone else? However often we are at a conflict, at crossroads with our choices. At times not being completely honest will do someone a world of good. Then what do we do?

Also we leave our mark even in the smallest of ways. Holding the door open for someone, helping an elderly person with their shopping bag, picking up some litter, taking the time to acknowledge the efforts put in by your colleague etc. Just a smile can brighten up someone else’s day. However great or small your actions, you have the power to make a difference. The starfish story illustrates this well.

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a small boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The little boy replied, “I am saving all the starfish that have been stranded on the beach. The surf is up and the tide is going out and if I don’t throw them back, they will die.” 

The man looked around and noticed that there were miles and miles of beach and literally thousands of starfish. 

He looked at the beach again and then at the small boy and said, “Well, you won’t make much of a difference, will you?”

After listening politely, the little boy bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it back into the sea. Then, looking up, he smiled and said to the man, “I made a difference for that one.”

At the end of the day, it is your life, your values, your choices. What fingerprints you leave is up to you!

To Give And Not To Count The Cost

For those of you who have studied in a Jesuit school or are belong to a Jesuit parish, then you may have heard St. Ignatius’ Prayer for Generosity

Lord, teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve;
to give and not to count the cost,
to fight and not to heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labor and not to ask for reward,
save that of knowing that I do your will.

To love without thinking of gain is definitely one of the hardest things to do given the fact that it is human to get hurt if our loving and giving isn’t reciprocated or acknowledged. However, if you think about it, it is not our loving or giving that hurts us but our expectation of being loved back that causes us pain.

Osho says that it is easier to love God than to love his children! And yet it is truly amazing when we love someone AFTER seeing their ugly side! Of course I don’t mean we allow others to treat us like doormats, we don’t allow others to take us for granted.

Parental love is surely one of the purest forms of love that most of us witness. We, as children, may have often tested the limits of our parent’s love for us with all the crazy stuff we do and say. And yet, we know that they will always stand by us. As George Strait sings, It’s a love without end, Amen.