Kenrick Vaz

P.A.T.H.

We go through a whole gamut of emotions everyday, each with varying degrees of intensity and duration. Most of us are very comfortable with expressing our positive emotions. At the same time, we tend to struggle dealing with our negative emotions. I still have a hard time expressing myself when it comes to negative feelings. I tend to bottle-up which could lead to a point where I end up “exploding” or acting out in a way that is not so nice. Others tend to withdraw, want to be alone.

It’s not negative emotions that directly impact our health and well-being, but how we react and process them when we do experience them that really counts. The good news is that with practice, everyone can do a better job of dealing with their negative emotions in healthy ways. A long time back I came across this lovely mnemonic to deal with uncomfortable or unpleasant feelings/emotions.

Pause

Acknowledge

Think

Help

Step 1: Pause
Rather than act on your feelings right away, stop yourself and think things through.

Step 2: Acknowledge
Identify and accept what you are feeling. It is ok to feel anger, irritation, sadness, fear.

Step 3: Think
Now that you have had a few moments to figure out what you are feeling, think about why you are feeling this way and what is the best way to respond to make you feel better. Very often, we may feel negative emotions based on our assumptions of a situation. Being very objective here helps.

Step 4: Help
Take an action to help you feel better based on the previous step

I still remember my first few days with the Jesuits. Fr. Philip Terrasa SJ, my spiritual guide, asked me what am I feeling and it took me forever to identify exactly what I was feeling. In step 2, identifying what you are feeling could be difficult. Here is Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions which helps me.

As you can see, Plutchik paired the basic emotions with their polar opposites.

Sadness is the opposite of Joy
Anticipation is the opposite of Surprise
Anger is the opposite of Fear
Disgust is the opposite of Trust

Plutchik’s wheel is a strong visual representation of how our emotions present themselves. As you can see the core emotion decreases as you move outward on the wheel. Plutchik also used color to represent the intensity of the emotion: the darker the color, the more intense it is. So at its most intense trust becomes admiration, and at its least intense, acceptance.

I think that this is a fantastic starting resource for helping us further develop our understanding of how our emotions present themselves, how they fluctuate and how they can interact with each other.

Negative emotions are an extremely important part of our existence. Be open to them, embrace their part in your life and learn to incorporate them in proactive ways.

Take control by responding rather than reacting using P.A.T.H., and I’m confident you’ll find new ways of approaching these emotions with authenticity and positivity! ❤️

Do what makes you happy

An Airbus 380 is on its way across Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800km/h in 30,000 ft. when suddenly a Eurofighter jet appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus, and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here” He rolls his jet on his back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to height, only to stoop down almost to sea level. He loops back next to Airbus and asks” Well, how was that?” The Airbus pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!”

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, at the same speed. After 5 minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed ” Well, what are you saying now?” The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?” The other laughs and says, “I got up, stretched my legs, went to back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee & a cinnamon cake.

All jobs are great! One needs to see which job resonates with you. If you are high on adrenaline, a fighter jet might be your choice, but if you want comfort and peace, Airbus is the one!

Tied to Technology

When I saw this picture on Facebook, I was immediately transported to the days when we got our first landline at home. We were in awe of such a magical device. How times have changed and what a different world we live in. Our phones have become so powerful and we’ve become completely dependent on them. And the sad part is that our behavior, our dependence, regardless of its consequences, has become acceptable, common, and normal. In a sense, we are normalizing a dependence.

Here is a lovely poem I came across

Technology Slaves
Jamie Jarrett

Why do we all prefer to stare
At a 42 inch flat screen glare
Manipulating our thoughts
Stealing our mind
Subliminally corrupting
The whole of mankind

Checking our phones
100 times a day
Leading our consciousness
Miles astray
Technology’s surpassing
Our human interaction
Perfectly designed
To cause a distraction

Can we not see
We’re being restricted
Gradually all
Becoming addicted
We need to slow down
Or we’ll all be convicted
Of being exactly
What Einstein predicted

Einstein’s supposed quote ” I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction, the world will have a generation of idiots”. I say supposed quote as there is no record of Einstein ever saying or writing anything close to those words, despite his papers and quotations being well-documented in several databases and works!

Regardless of who said it, the words do make a lot of sense. Technology has made life easier, safer, longer, and more enjoyable in numerous ways. The trick is finding a balance for how we use technology. Technology should be used as a way to complement our lives, not as a way to run our lives!

The 90% rule that puts you 100% in control

We spend a lot of our time reacting and responding to people and situations around us. And often, we react/respond without thinking. It is an instinctive reaction, spontaneous, a gut reaction, based on fear and insecurities, and it’s not the most rational or appropriate way to act.

I admire those who are cool and calm, very disciplined, no matter what situation they are in. It’s easy to get mad or angry at people — it’s another thing altogether to remain calm and composed when someone pushes your buttons.

I’m slowly learning that reacting to things that upset you gives someone else power over your emotions. You can’t control what others do but you can control how you respond, how you handle it, how you perceive it and how much of it you want to take personally. And most of the time, these situations say nothing about you and a lot about the other person.

Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it
Charles R. Swindoll

Here’s Maria Forleo talking about the 90% rule that puts you 100% in control

The Attitude of Gratitude

Someone with an attitude of gratitude appreciates everything in life. They are grateful for their relationships, their health, their business, and their sense of well-being. Having an attitude of gratitude is important because it shifts your focus from yourself to appreciating someone else or something else.

When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.
Kristin Armstrong

Came across this lovely poem which covers the little things we can be grateful for each day

For all that God in mercy sends –
For health and children, home and friends;
For comfort in the time of need,
For every kindly word and deed,
For happy talks and holy thoughts;
For guidance in our daily walk –
In everything give thanks!

For beauty in this world of ours,
For verdant grass and lovely flowers,
For song of birds, for horn of bees,
For the refreshing summer breeze,
For hill and plain, for streams and wood,
For the great ocean’s mighty flood –
In everything give thanks!

For the sweet sleep which comes with night,
For the returning morning’s light,
For the bright sun that shines on high,
For the stars glittering in the sky –
For these and everything we see,
O Lord our hearts we lift to thee;
In everything give thanks!

The Art of Being Tactful

At Xavier’s, I was member of a group called AICUF (All India Catholic University Federation) that organises various activities, keeping three objectives: Social Outreach, Personality Development, and Spiritual Growth. And as part of the core organising team, we had a session on feedback to help us improve and grow. I smiled when I saw “I like that you are brutally honest” in the positives on my sheet.

That got me thinking, not everyone will appreciate my straightforward nature and I realised at times I may come across as brash and harsh. Yes, being honest will always be better than sugar-coating your messages, especially if that honesty is crucial to making the other person better at what they’re doing. But even honesty needs to be tempered with tact.

Tact and diplomacy are skills centred around an understanding of other people and being sensitive to their opinions, beliefs, ideas and feelings.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy
Isaac Newton

Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way
David Frost

When I think of tact and diplomacy, I am reminded of this lovely anecdote

A King called three great artists and asked them to make his portrait. There was a big prize for making the best portrait. The King had only one eye. One artist thought that the King may get angry if he showed him with only one eye. So he made a beautiful portrait with two eyes. The second artist thought that the portrait should be completely real and so he sketched the picture with only one eye. The third artist acted intelligently and showed the king with a bow and arrow. An eye was hidden in the posture as the king was aiming to hit the target.

All the portraits were beautiful but the prize for the best portrait went to the third artist as he had succeeded in artfully making the truth of the King having one eye more appreciable.

Be Flawsome!

I came across this post on LinkedIn a few days back and it just brought a big smile to my face. We are all fallible human beings and we live in a world of flaws. And yet ironically, most of us (including myself!) place a high value on perfection.

Why chase a facade of unattainable perfection? When you learn to accept your flaws, you’re not vulnerable to people’s judgements or opinions towards you. You embrace the fact that you’re a human, you’re still learning and you’ve got a long way to go. When you accept your flaws, you learn how to be happy with who you are.

Embracing flaws, kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. By highlighting cracks and holes instead of hiding them or throwing away the object, a damaged ceramic vessel becomes useful again and even an expression of luxury with its illuminated seams.

Kintsugi Sarkis collection for Bernardaud

PHOTO LILY ROSE. COURTESY OF BERNARDAUD

The kintsugi approach instead makes the most of what already is, highlights the beauty of what we do have, flaws and all, rather than leaving us eternally grasping for more, different, other, better.

Another lovely Japanese concept Wabi Sabi, is about celebrating imperfections and living simply. In Japanese, wabi means alone and sabi is the passage of time. Together, they teach us how to embrace the good and bad parts of ourselves and the asymmetry of life.

Let’s be Flawsome, the new awesome, with Wabi Sabi and Kintsugi! :)

Competition

I’ve never liked competition. Do I need to see someone else lose to feel better about myself? Do I need a bigger house or a fancier car to be happy? Do I need to put others down to get that promotion at work?

Here in India, right from the time we’re in school, we are surrounded by voices and behaviour that encourages fierce competition to come first in the class, to top the school. Teachers always making comparisons between students, parents often compare their children to their friends’ or neighbours’ kids.

Similarly at work, we’re so afraid to share what we know, afraid to help others, thinking that we will become redundant.

We have situations where we are forced to compete, for example when interviewing for a job. But most of the time we are in control and have a choice. We can choose to compete with others over who’s more attractive, wealthier, happier, or more successful.

Here’s what I’ve learned: Everyone is on their own path, and we all do what’s right for ourselves, in our own time. I believe we live in a supportive Universe where everything unfolds perfectly—at the right time, in the right place. Comparing ourselves to others is an infinite source of stress and frustration, and it doesn’t serve us well.

Doing your best is more important than being the best.
Zig Ziglar

When it comes to ourselves as well, what’s the use of constantly fighting with ourselves to be the best? We set ourselves goals, most often based on what others are doing around us. For what? Doing your best is definitely the key. As long as I know I’ve done my best, nothing else matters. When I know I’ve done the best I could, there’s no room for regrets.

I choose to see myself as perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect. I celebrate my mistakes as much-needed opportunities for growth. I celebrate both success and failure because this is what makes me wiser. I treat every life experience as an opportunity to learn new things about myself and other people. I am enough and worthy, so I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. Not even to myself.

The world doesn’t need fiercely competitive people. It needs more compassionate and loving people, people who celebrate others’ success and comfort them during the rough times!

Here’s a lovely story that touched me.

A professor gave a balloon to every student, who had to inflate it, write their name on it and throw it in the hallway. The professor then mixed all the balloons. The students were then given 5 minutes to find their own balloon. Despite a hectic search, no one found their balloon.

At that point, the professor told the students to take the first balloon that they found and hand it to the person whose name was written on it. Within 5 minutes, everyone had their own balloon.

The professor said to the students: “These balloons are like happiness. We will never find it if everyone is looking for their own. But if we care about other people’s happiness, we’ll find ours too.”

Challenge the Status Quo

I recently joined Brillio and as part of the onboarding journey, we were taken through the company culture and values. One of the four values is an Entrepreneurial Spirit, to always challenge the status quo with a ‘can do’ attitude.

Smart people, by their very design and nature, will not automatically be “yes” men. They will question, analyze and reason with any requests that are made of them and, if they disagree with your position, they are going to tell you so and they will not do what you ask them to do if they know it is wrong or is going to bring harm to you in the long run. Professionals are not going to tell you what you WANT to hear…they are going to tell you what you NEED to hear.

Whether at work or in our personal lives, when we make up our minds, many of us are reluctant change it and we are more likely to stick with the decisions we made. However leaders like Jeff Bezos, Obama and Steve Jobs are famous for changing their minds frequently, often within days. Once in an interview Tim Cook said, “Steve would flip on something so fast that you would forget that he was the one taking the 180 degree polar opposite position the day before.”

Being open to the views of others, factoring in aspects you may have missed or not realised earlier are all signs of someone who is open minded and humble enough to admit he/she may be wrong. There is always a chance I may be wrong and it’s perfectly okay to admit it.

Only if we listen with an open heart and mind, only if we are open to constructive feedback and opinions will we be surrounded by people who will challenge the status quo and help us become better individuals.

Have you ever challenged the status quo? How did you approach it? What was the outcome? Would you do anything differently next time? Share your experiences, below.

Mistakes = Learning Lessons

If we look around at people we consider successes, we will see that their success is a result of a lot of mistakes. Like Albert Einstein said, failure really is just success in progress. Thomas Edison famously developed thousands of prototypes of the light bulb before finding the one that worked. If you’d rather not to fail, you will probably never succeed.

I love the example of Sir Richard Branson. Most of us know him as the iconic, daring entrepreneur. Branson dealt with dyslexia as a child and performed poorly in school. Apart from dealing with that, he also refused to let failure keep him from getting back up and moving forward. Here’s a list of some of his failed ventures: Virgin Cola, Virgin Clothes, Virgin Money, Virgin Vie, Virgin Vision, Virgin Vodka, Virgin Wine, Virgin Jeans, Virgin Brides, Virgin Cosmetics and Virgin Cars.

The first step in learning and growing from mistakes and failures is admitting you made a mistake. We all tend to demonize our mistakes. Rather, embrace them, accept them, make the necessary change after introspection and move on!

It may be terrifying to admit “Yeah I messed up, I am sorry” especially if you are in a position of power and authority. However I have learned the hard way that denying our wrongdoings only ends up isolating yourself and stifling growth.

Admitting we are wrong shows others that we are compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic, and good listeners. It also shows that we are capable of being objective about ourselves and that we not ‘perfect’ or always right
Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Neuropsychologist

Admitting flaws allows others to see our vulnerability and can even endear them to us. It also opens the door to meaningful conversations and, therefore, personal and relationship growth.

Life is a constant process of learning. In order to learn, we must become vulnerable and make mistakes. Mistakes are inevitable so we might as well change our perspective on what they mean to us and how they can help us get to where we want to go.