Holding onto anger

We have a limited time here on earth. Life is too short to waste time ruminating on the past that won’t change, too short to hold onto grudges and choose to endure pain over the past you can’t change or people who you can’t force to change!

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Buddha

It hurts when someone has wronged us and we want them to acknowledge their faults and get an apology. However if that doesn’t happen, we tend to hold onto the pain and keep on focusing on the past which in turn leaves us feeling worse.

Being angry takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of our being, our energy to maintain a bad mood. So, whatever we need to do to help resentment leave won’t be as traumatic as clinging to bitterness.

Here’s a lovely story to portray what happens when we hold onto anger

The Wills, the Won’ts and the Can’ts

This quote from Disney’s “The Black Hole” has been stuck in my mind since I first heard it years ago. We won’t always fall into one of these categories, but by and large we default to one of them. And our reasons, whether we are aware of them or no, are very different from each other and they’re deeply rooted in our experiences growing up.

We respond differently when it comes to different situations in our day to day life. I may be an I will person when it comes to work, but remain an I can’t when it comes to losing weight. Or maybe I am an I won’t person when it comes to helping others at work but I am very enthusiastic and an I will person when I see an opportunity to help the less-fortunate or someone in need. There are some who start off with I won’t or I can’t but eventually land up taking it up or completing the task.

The pessimist sees difficulty in every Opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.

Winston Churchill

Optimism is very attractive as a person’s ability to see the bright side of things definitely bring a lot of happiness to all those around us. Some may call an eternal optimist naive and foolish. However balancing optimism with being realistic is probably needed. We could probably term this being a realistic optimist! This will help us be realistic in what we can’t do and what is not possible!

This reminds me of the story titled “Who’s job is it anyway?”

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

The story may be confusing but the message is clear: no one took responsibility so nothing got accomplished.

To sum it up, don’t let Anybody (or Everybody, Somebody or Nobody) stop you from giving your best! :)

Leaving Your Mark

I am not sure in what context did Elvis, the king of rock, uttered these words, but it doesn’t seem like something he’d say. It really doesn’t matter who said it, these words touched me and has left me pondering on how we leave our mark based on who we are. We leave a bit of ourselves in everything we do and these are rooted in our choices, motives, actions which are all tied up strongly with our values.

As an example let’s take Ebenezer Scrooge and Bob Cratchit in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Everything Ebenezer did left his fingerprints of greed whereas everything Bob did bore his fingerprints of compassion and duty. Similary each of us in our own stories leave our uniqe fingerprints through our actions based on our values.

All of us apply our values to our decisions every day. Most of us do it subconsciously and aren’t aware of it. If you strongly value honesty, would you do something shady at work or tell a lie just to cover up for someone else? However often we are at a conflict, at crossroads with our choices. At times not being completely honest will do someone a world of good. Then what do we do?

Also we leave our mark even in the smallest of ways. Holding the door open for someone, helping an elderly person with their shopping bag, picking up some litter, taking the time to acknowledge the efforts put in by your colleague etc. Just a smile can brighten up someone else’s day. However great or small your actions, you have the power to make a difference. The starfish story illustrates this well.

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a small boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The little boy replied, “I am saving all the starfish that have been stranded on the beach. The surf is up and the tide is going out and if I don’t throw them back, they will die.” 

The man looked around and noticed that there were miles and miles of beach and literally thousands of starfish. 

He looked at the beach again and then at the small boy and said, “Well, you won’t make much of a difference, will you?”

After listening politely, the little boy bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it back into the sea. Then, looking up, he smiled and said to the man, “I made a difference for that one.”

At the end of the day, it is your life, your values, your choices. What fingerprints you leave is up to you!

To Give And Not To Count The Cost

For those of you who have studied in a Jesuit school or are belong to a Jesuit parish, then you may have heard St. Ignatius’ Prayer for Generosity

Lord, teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve;
to give and not to count the cost,
to fight and not to heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labor and not to ask for reward,
save that of knowing that I do your will.

To love without thinking of gain is definitely one of the hardest things to do given the fact that it is human to get hurt if our loving and giving isn’t reciprocated or acknowledged. However, if you think about it, it is not our loving or giving that hurts us but our expectation of being loved back that causes us pain.

Osho says that it is easier to love God than to love his children! And yet it is truly amazing when we love someone AFTER seeing their ugly side! Of course I don’t mean we allow others to treat us like doormats, we don’t allow others to take us for granted.

Parental love is surely one of the purest forms of love that most of us witness. We, as children, may have often tested the limits of our parent’s love for us with all the crazy stuff we do and say. And yet, we know that they will always stand by us. As George Strait sings, It’s a love without end, Amen.

Temporary Comforts

The quote above speaks a thousand words! I was immediately taken back to when I just started working many years ago where I didn’t think twice on things I bought for myself. There are two schools of thought: one which says you should live each day as if it were your last and the other which says you should value each day as it were your last. The former is based on a temporary state of happiness, not taking into consideration the value of long term planning.

There is a big difference between those who have no concept of financial stability and someone who always saves and plans their budgets. The first set of people have expenditures that the other set of people find superfluous, unnecessary. They love being pampered, party often maybe, get things that they believe will make them happy whereas the others steer away from this materialistic culture.

Happiness is a very relative term and both sets of individuals would say that they are happy. One man’s food is another man’s poison. Each of us have our own needs and not everyone is the similar in their path to happiness. But what happens when tragedy strikes and you have nothing to fall back on? This could put you in a potentially devastating situation.

I am not saying deprive yourself of anything? What’s the point of working so hard if you aren’t living your life! But living your life in moderation, living well within your means and ensuring you are saving for a rainy day. Burning up for temporary pleasure will not help you in anyway. Ensuring you invest in yourself and your future is the way to go. The way you live today will determine what you future will look like.

Enjoy this classic “Catch a Falling Star” by Perry Como, which is apt for today’s quote

People-Pleasing Addiction

Nobody wants to make enemies or sour relationships with others. And hence for most of us, saying “no” becomes extremely difficult. At times, it is even at the cost of our own peace of mind. Helping those you care about is definitely not the issue. However changing who you are and loosing yourself just to please someone else is not acceptable as it only ends up with you being miserable.

Changing the way we talk or deal with people, or changing the way we dress or changing your attitude towards others are some of the ways in which we lose our identity just to please others. We put on a shell of who we aren’t, adapt our lifestyle and so much more just to feel accepted and please our friends.

Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind

Dr. Seuss

One thing I’ve realised from experience is that those who matter will always stick around and love you the most when you are true to yourself. We will encounter all kinds, those who take advantage of our good intentions, those who mock us, even body-shame us, those who push and bully you into doing things you may not like.

I remember these lines from an open letter shared on someone’s blog on New Year’s Day.

  1. Don’t lose yourself trying to catch up or fit into a clique of people.
  2. Don’t lose yourself trying to impress everyone on social media or trying to be someone else.
  3. Don’t lose yourself by running the rat race.
  4. Don’t crucify or sabotage yourself trying to belong or live in a particular area of the city.
  5. Don’t lose yourself in your fears.
  6. Don’t be the only one trying to fix things.
  7. Don’t lose yourself trying to prove yourself.
  8. Don’t love your relationship more than you love yourself.
  9. Don’t give out your heart without leaving none for yourself.
  10. Don’t live another moment of your life allowing fear to dictate who you are and what you can do. 

Pretty powerful right? I call these the 10 Don’ts! At the end of the day, nobody is worth losing yourself over!

My Fishy Formula to Shine – 3 P

Sometimes we wonder how some people seem to be at the right place and the right time and have all the luck. I do not believe in luck as there is a lot more than what we hear of these “success stories”. As the quote implies, it is pointless having a great car that is stuck in the garage collecting dust! Each of us is blessed with a special set of skills. But how do we shine after we identify what we love doing?

I come from the coastal state of Goa and I love fish! So here is my fishy formula to shine

You cannot catch a fish without being near the water.

Proximity to opportunities is the first element. Once you know what you are good at, then putting yourself at the right place and time by figuring out the areas relevant to your skillset is key. For example, a lot of leaders in our IT world have adapted to new and emerging technologies, kept themselves relevant.

The fish not caught on the first try is larger when finally caught.

Practice, practice, practice. That is the only consistent factor in all who seem to have gotten lucky! Whether it’s sports or any other field. You have to keep at it till you make it. As you keep practicing and polishing yourself, you get better and better.

If you do not fish often, the fish have little chance to bite.

Persistence is the third factor. Sadly a lot of us give up too easily. Being in the right place at the right time involves being in many places at different times. I remember giving so many interviews when I was looking for a change after 7 wonderful years at a startup. The number of rejections got to me at one point as no company seemed interested in someone coming from a startup. But if I had to give up, I wouldn’t have got the call telling me that I have got through!

To sum it up, my fishy formula for getting lucky is Proximity, Practice and Persistence! :)

Heal-thy

As we grow older, as we continue to go through the ups and downs of life, the number of not-so-good experiences go up. And life has a way of triggering these memories, reminding us of these parts of life that we’d rather not talk about.

Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it.

The Lion King

We all know we can’t change the past and yet if we don’t deal with these negative/painful memories, they will continue to rob us of our present and future. You can either deal with it, let go OR suppress them till they come up again and again and again. Both are conscious decisions, it is up to you!

In addition to not changing the past here are a few other points that won’t help:

  • Make yourself forget your past (impossible unless you actually lose your memory!)
  • Suppress or stuff your feelings (creates other problems…)
  • Hope and wait for an apology (why postpone your happiness???)
  • Wallow endlessly in your misery (ah so painful)

The one thing that made sense to me is that our memories are not the problem. Our emotional response in the present to our past is what causes us pain. It is ok to have made mistakes, it is okay to have made the same mistake ten times! Accept it, forgive yourself and others if needed and move on!

Oh and this is not easy at all. The amount of time and effort it takes to move is is proportional to how badly the experience scarred you. We need to heal to be heal-thy!

Heal-

       thy life

Heal-

        thy soul, body, mind 

AuLogica

Closed Doors

I’ve never believed in coincidences. Nothing happens just like that or for no reason. We may not understand why, we may not be aware of how circumstances brought us to where we are today. But I do believe in divine providence, God is constantly at work striving to make the best of our choices.

Often when things don’t go our way, we end up wondering where is God, why did He close that door for me. I read this lovely line sometime back

If God didn’t close doors, we wouldn’t know which ones to go through.

So true right? I’ve been in situations where I was struggling to decide between multiple options and then magically things didn’t work out with one or two of them and my choice became so much easier.

While we struggle looking at closed doors today, let’s wait and trust in His timing. This lovely song from the musical Joseph The Dreamer

When doubts and disappointments hide the morning sun
When all my dreams have ended, all my song are sung,
his spirit soars within me, every doubt is gone,
I see a new horizon, and sing a brand new song. . .
For in this perfect timing, up ahead the light is shining
and I know the dawn will be arriving very soon

When God closes the door he opens a window, a window
He opens a window so I can see
He’s working it out
the very best for (The very best for me) me
He opens a window just just for me

In every road I travel leads back to where I’ve been
When fears about tomorrow settle deep within
He gives me new direction and takes the fears away
He opens up the future and brings a brand new day
New day . . .

For in this perfect timing up ahead the light is shining
and I know the dawn will be arriving very soon
When God closes the door he opens a window(a window)
He opens a window so I can see
He’s working it out the very best for (The very best for me) me
He opens a window just for me

Materialism

Anything in excess is bad. Materialism, afflicting both, the rich and the poor, is in every way self-destructive. There is a strong relation between being materialistic and feeling empty, unhappy. We have a real problem on our hand when we couple materialism with our fintech boom, where you can easily get a loan with a few taps on your bank’s mobile app. A study showed that millenials today are more likely to take loans to pay for holidays.

Indulgence is not a problem in itself. Also borrowing is not a problem. But when indulgence and borrowing lead to other areas of our life getting affected and we are unable to repay loans, that’s when things start going haywire. Living beyond our means, spending when we don’t have a job that pays for what we splurge on, are often to maintain a facade of “I am doing well in life” to our friends and family.

What happens next is we fall into the vicious cycle of getting more and more things…I recall this funny video I saw sometime back which illustrates exactly what happens when we can keep wanting more.

Our worth is not determined by what we have, our worth is not determined by what we wear, our worth is not determined by the car or bike we drive. Do we really need 20 T-shirts or 10 pairs of shoes or the latest iPhone or the new Play Station?

Is my happiness REALLY going to increase in the long term after buying this new thing?

Three valuable pieces of advice I am grateful for and thankfully these were given to me just as I was about to start working.

  1. Put at least half of your salary into savings – fixed deposits, mutual funds, ppf etc.
  2. Don’t buy things when you are emotional
  3. When you want to buy something:
    • Check if you really need it
    • Wait a week
    • If you still want it in a week, check your budget
    • If you have the budget, then you are good to go

Honestly I find it very difficult to track my spending and keep a budget. I have explored a lot of the apps that are supposed to make this easy. However, the one thing I do is to ensure my SIPs are setup correctly and my utility bills are paid at the start of the month so that I don’t have to worry about having enough to save.

At the end of the day, the key is finding balance between appreciating what you have and only getting what you really need. Let’s strive to work on achieving happiness from deep within, completely independent from what we own!