The internet is full of contradictory success stories. On the one hand, you hear about a lot about college dropouts making it big only after they gave up on the rigorous college schedule. On the other, you have stories about successful businessmen and entrepreneurs working their way up from the bottom, working 20 hours a day to fulfill their goals.  So, which one is it? Do you need to free yourself from the chains of strict schedules and regulations, and just do what comes natural? Or should you reach Buddhist monk levels of self-discipline?

First, let’s start by making a distinction. Self-discipline might seem like a fancy way of saying “discipline,” but we’re actually talking about two slightly different things here. Discipline is following rules and schedules imposed by others. When you’re working in a team, it certainly helps to follow the same guidelines as everyone else. Otherwise any project would just descend into utter chaos.

Being a maverick only works if you get results. Otherwise, you’re just going to hinder everyone else from doing their job. Be aware of your strengths, but also your weak points. Before making any radical decision, run it by someone you trust first. Staying true to your vision doesn’t mean you can’t listen to constructive feedback.

What about self-discipline? This should be something you end up practicing it instinctively. It will be hard at first, nobody is going to deny that. But it’s better to start developing good habits early. The more you become comfortable with bad habits, that harder it’s going to be to get rid of them in the long run.  If you practice self-discipline on a daily basis, at some point it’s going to become second nature, and you’ll no longer feel like your pushing yourself to do something.

Do you need a lot of self-discipline to achieve your potential? That really depends on you. Some people are naturally inclined to complete tasks, no matter how tedious they may find them. Others need a little bit of a push to get the job done. That’s where self-discipline comes in to pick up the slack. When you’re working a job with managers, supervisors, and external deadlines looming over your head, you’re going to have to step up your game, whether you like it or not. But when it comes to personal goals, you can be just as lazy as you want to be. How many times have you decided to start working, or go on a diet, only to make up some excuse to postpone it? Since there’s nothing pushing you from the outside, you have to learn to push yourself from within.

Self-discipline isn’t just about making sets of rules. Ideally, through daily practice, you should reach a point in which these rules become habits. Good habits are essential if you want to successfully tap into your unexplored potential. And once you get comfortable applying your rules on a daily basis, you won’t even notice they’re there.

If you’re the kind of person who might need a little bit of help kick starting their self-discipline training, it might be useful to follow these tips.

Don’t jump in immediately

Start with little things, like making daily schedules and sticking to them, or forming some routines. If you go at it head on, without a clear plan in mind, you might end up tiring yourself before you’ve even started

Practice self-discipline daily, especially when you don’t feel like it

When something is fun, you don’t need to force yourself into doing it. The whole point of setting rules for yourself is to have something that pushes you to get the job done when you lack motivation.

Break down every complex process into stages

What are steps that lead up to your desired outcome? How long does each step take, realistically? What are you going to need to complete each stage? Dividing daunting tasks into manageable chunks will help you sketch out a plan before starting.  That’s going to make sticking to a schedule much easier, because, first of all, you’re going to have an actual schedule.

Always keep your end goals in sight

Visualizing the desired outcome can be a powerful motivator. Whenever you feel like quitting, just remind yourself why you’re doing this. Think about that wonderful feeling of seeing your task completed.

So, the question remains, how much discipline do you really need to achieve your goals? Well, that’s actually up to you.  Part of learning to discipline yourself is to know what your limits are, and how far your desire to succeed can push you. Learning these things takes plenty of practice, but, in the end, it’s all worth it. Once your internal schedules become an extension of who you are, you won’t even feel like you’re forcing yourself to do anything, it’s going to be part of your routine.

This is probably what’s so tricky about self-discipline, and why so many successful entrepreneurs seem to have a total disregard for rules. You rarely notice routines; that’s why they’re routines. You’ve probably heard of the more famous college drop-outs, like Bill Gates, or Steve Jobs, but there are plenty of others.

You might think that, as long as you have a good idea, you don’t really need anything else. But the truth is, what these people tend to have in common is the drive to achieve their goals. Their success stories might seem effortless, but that’s just because you rarely get to see all the boring work that went into reaching the top.

It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.

Zig Ziglar

Some people go on their entire lives thinking that being different is something bad. They think that by not being themselves and by desperately trying to fit into society’s norms, they are doing themselves and the world a favor.

But they are not.

As long as you feel content with yourself and you are open to the idea of improving and growing, it really doesn’t matter whether you fit somewhere or not. Stop trying to prove to others and yourself that you are less than what you are.

If you want to explore your potential and see just how capable you are, you have to stop limiting yourself.

You have to allow yourself to become who you want to be.

We are all born to stand out, so where did we go wrong?

Why is it so much easier for the world to keep imposing boundaries after boundaries, instead of accepting people for who they are with their flaws and their will to explore their potential?

When did different become bad?

I believe that being different should not be feared, but accepted.

After all, there would be no progress in the world without individuals who allow themselves to explore their endless potential. And certainly, there would be no progress without people who are not afraid to use their imagination.

Eventually, we all want to find out happiness as the ultimate purpose in life, and we should not stop until we do. Even if it means not fitting into the picture-perfect.

My overall opinion is that everyone needs to be themselves, as long as they are not hurting other people with their ways.

You are who you are.

You are different them me, and you are much different than any other person that you know or the people you are going to meet in your lifetime.

You might have some similar traits with some people. Your taste of music, the world views, some opinions. But we are a super-complex mixture of emotions, experiences, and opinions. I don’t believe that you will ever meet two people who are exactly the same.

We all experience the world differently. We feel the same emotions but differently. Some people are more passionate, others are observant, and some are quite the talkers. You can be neither of these people or one that has all of these traits and more.

It really doesn’t matter.

What does matter, however, is that you recognize the type of person you are, and allow yourself to grow in that direction.

If you aspire to become something more, something better, you can and you should.

There should be no limitations, and nothing stopping you from achieving your full potential.

So to give you your answer. Is it good to fit the norms or not?

I believe that some people are meant to fit the norms, not because they must, but because these norms are well aligned with their personalities.

There isn’t a straight answer that says whether fitting the norms is good or bad. It’s what you make of it. But remember, pursue your goals, dreams, aspiration, as long as they are not hurtful to anyone else. Not following the norms does not mean that you can do anything you want without any repercussions whatsoever.

It means that you should find what makes you happy and fulfilled, but be respectful to the people around you. It doesn’t matter whether you fit into the norms or you don’t, as long as you are not limiting yourself in any way.

Remind yourself constantly that limitations are your own creation.

You set the limits of who you are, and you can push these boundaries for as much as you want. Society does not do that, someone else won’t do that. Only you can do that.

But before you are able to push your boundaries, you need to realize your potential, wake up your imagination, and lose the fear.

Don’t let fear take over your dreams and aspirations. You are still that aspiring child that had a vision.

You are destined to become the person you decide to be.

So who is that person, and what’s your decision?

You are not doing anyone a favor by not being who you truly are.

You are your own person, and you need to own it.

Stop hiding behind a mask just because someone else thinks that you should.

Stop hiding behind the truth, just because someone else got to dictate the norms.

We are all different, and some of us are just not made to fit the norms.

But all of us are born to stand out.

Throughout my life, I have consistently heard the phrase “everything happens for a reason”. Sometimes, it’s said because something bad happened, and it’s supposed to be comforting. Sometimes, it’s said because something good happened, as a way to affirm something more than blind luck. 

Here is another phrase:

“People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”

It is the idea that no matter how good, or how painful a role they played, they taught us something, something that will reveal itself to us at some point. This goes hand in hand with the concept of everything happening for a reason. While there may be unpleasant lessons that happen through break-ups, they are lessons nonetheless. We have to be open to the pain and difficulty, to be truly open to what it is we are supposed to gain from an experience. It can be difficult at times, to think in terms of everything happening for a reason, but it can also be helpful. At times when we are going through a particularly difficult time, such as after a split, it can be very comforting to think that there is a purpose to this, and there will be a use for what I am going through this very moment. 

A Thought Experiment

Let’s say that I’m on my way to work to give a big presentation to a huge prospective client. It’s a big deal. On the way , I get a flat tyre. It’s now clear that I’m going to be late. It’s now clear that the presentation that I need to be there for — to hopefully close the deal with a huge client — is in danger.

This client means a huge commission boost for me, which my family is really depending on. It also means gaining a lot of respect at work, for being able to bring on big clients and add value to the company. And this flat tyre endangers all of that.

What reason could there be for this flat tire? If you believe that there is a plan here — attributable to a divine intelligence — how good a plan could that be? I had a much better plan, where I made it in time to the office so I could be calm, cool, and collected for the big presentation, land the client, and ride off into the sunset.

The 2 Kinds of Reasons

One way of interpreting the statement is that every effect has a cause. The cause is the reason — the explanation of what made that effect happen. So yes, everything does happen for a reason. But of course, that’s not what the phrase is intended to mean. A cause of an effect is a backward-looking reason. The phrase is talking about a forward-looking reason — a way that the effect fits into a story — your story.

In the flat tyre case, there was a cause for the tyre going flat. Something punctured the tire, causing the air to escape. But, of course, that’s a backward-looking reason. It just explains the local chain of events that made the tyre go flat.

You could go further and say that the tyre was punctured because a truck dropped a shard of metal on the road, and I was too distracted to see the shard and avoid it. But again, those are just backward-looking reasons.

The forward-looking reason, though, is what you could call the purpose for what happened. Some call it the meaning. It’s the bigger why, and it’s what has preoccupied many a thinker throughout the centuries. It’s the question that science tends to avoid — either because scientists don’t have the tools to figure it out, or because they regard it as unscientific to begin with.

Are There Forward-Looking Reasons?

In our lives, for any given situation in which we find ourselves, there are plenty of backward-looking reasons — explanations as to how we got where we are. But are there forward-looking reasons? Is there meaning and purpose? If so, where do we find it?

To go back to my thought experiment: I know how I ended up with a flat tyre, and will be late for my big presentation. But why? What purpose does it serve?

Some say that forward-looking reasons come from an intelligence at work. They say that where we end up is part of a plan hatched by that divine intelligence. As resistant as scientifically-minded folks are to this idea, you have to give it some credit. It’s coherent and understandable — even if it asks us to believe in an intelligent planner we can’t see.

After all, if there is a forward-looking reason — a plan — the only place it could come from is an intelligence. Tyres and shards of metal on the road don’t make plans. Science may someday reveal that they do, but it’s improbable given what we already know about them.

But just because it makes some sense to say that forward-looking reasons, and thus meaning, come from an intelligence doesn’t mean that it’s separate from our own intelligence. Just because forward-looking reasons involve a plan doesn’t mean that the plan had to be hatched in advance, by someone else.

This may read as convoluted, so let’s go back to my example to illustrate how this works.

How To Create Meaning

So there I am, on the side of the road, stranded and coming to grips with the fact that I’ll miss this big presentation. In a fit of despair, I ask what the purpose of this misfortune is.

But what if, rather than thinking that a plan and a purpose needs to be figured out in advance, I realize my power to create the purpose in real time?

Thinking quickly, I call the office. I tell them what’s happened, and I make some arrangements. Then I call the prospective client and tell her that I just ran over something and got a flat tyre, but it’s not my disposition — nor is it my company’s — to let adversity dictate when we get results. So I ask that we proceed as normal, but I’ll be video conferencing in from the road. As soon as the presentation is done, I’ll quickly repair the tyre, head in, and we’ll all head out to lunch.

Somewhere in there, I inserted the purpose, the plan, the meaning. I provided the forward-looking reason for the flat tyre. The reason for my getting the flat tyre at that time was so that I could illustrate in real time to a prospective client just how well our team can overcome unforeseen obstacles and still deliver for them.

An actual lived experience like that goes way further than a bullet point on a slide, explaining how dedicated a team is.

In case you missed it, there is a divine intelligence at work, providing the forward-looking reasons for why things happen. It’s yours. You provide the reason why things happen — you just do it in real time — rather than before-hand.

When bad things happen to you, you have the option to answer the question of why by using them for positive action in the present. It takes creativity and openness, but there are ways — you need only look for them.

So the next time someone says to you “well, everything happens for a reason,” you can nod knowingly — understanding what they mean, even if they don’t.